Saturday, April 08, 2006
Cinderella Man (*****)
Today was a long day as The Wife and I put on a garage sale. (I'm taking way too much credit here, by the way. The Wife did all the haggling. I mostly just hauled stuff in and out of the garage.) I don't like garage sales, mostly because of the people you meet. Like the old foreign man who showed up at our house as we opened the garage door (an hour before we officially began the sale) and started nosing around everything. He asked to test a stereo, then started looking at all my brand new tools. Yeah, cuz I'm going to sell a brand new compound miter saw at a garage sale. Keep dreaming old man. I've decided that only two things in this world really bring out the dregs of society: garage sales and carnivals.
But I don't want to talk about garage sales right now. After an exhausting day hawking our wares, The Wife and I were exhausted. We decided to watch a movie and luckily had Cinderella Man on hand, thanks to Netflix. This was one of the best movies I've watched in a long time. Even better, it was the greatest marriage of a sports movie to a chick flick since Jerry Maguire. (By the way, I have a bad feeling that I'm completely plagerizing The Sports Guy, but I don't care and I'm way too lazy to actually read what he wrote about this movie. That's actually one of the problems I have with reading The Sports Guy. He talks about a lot of the things I do. In fact, he steals my ideas a lot. I've been preaching for years about how Rocky IV single-handedly brought down communism. Then this jerk goes and writes a whole column about it on ESPN.com. Now nobody will listen to me. Wait, nobody listened to me in the first place. Either way, it's annoying.)
Ron Howard really did a great job directing Cinderella Man. He really took pains to show how low James Braddock had sunk. (In case you're unfamiliar with the story, it goes like this. Boxer does well. Should be champ. But he loses the edge and goes broke. It's the Depression. Things keep getting worse. Boxer gets one last chance to box and starts winning. It's based on a true story too.) Now, I knew the plot going into the movie. I knew Braddock would be hard on his luck, running out of money and whatnot. But Opie did a great job taking you down with him. He almost makes you feel like you're the one having the power turned off, losing your family. What I really liked, though, is that Richie Cunningham knew when to ease up on the pity. I think there's a fine line. Party of Five frequently crossed it. At some point, you stop caring about the people and just wish they'd jump in front of a bus to save everyone the agony. Ron Howard managed to avoid bringing us to that point. Kudos.
Another thing I liked about the movie was the fight scenes. They were very realistic. Too much nowadays, action sequences are hard to follow. It's a half-second shot of one punch, then a new angle for another half-second shot of another punch. It gets dizzying and annoying. They didn't do that in Cinderella Man. They actually showed the boxers connecting a few punches at a time, both boxers going back and forth. This drags you right into the fight more than you might think. I found myself right on the edge of my seat, as if Rocky Balboa were fighting Clubber Lang all over again.
What I found amusing, though, was when The Wife complained to me during the movie that she hated the fight scenes. That's when I realized it was a chick flick. I was quite surprised that I hadn't even noticed up to that point. In Jerry Maguire, it was painfully obvious. That was really a love story that featured sports. Ick. In Cinderella Man, it's just a great story. It features boxing, but it also features a very real man and his struggles to keep his family together. Sure Renee Zellweger starred in both, but I think that's just a coincidence. That said, I think she did a good job in Cinderella Man because she was a commanding presence without standing out. In other words, I think she actually added something to the film instead of sucking all the life out of it, like Talia Shire in, um, all the Rocky movies. What's Adrian's problem anyway? What a bitch. (And yes, I'm pretty sure I'm now blatantly ripping off The Sports Guy. Let him track me down and sue me.)
Cinderella Man was a great film. I thought it was a little heavy on the who family thing, but if that's what it takes to get my wife to sit through a boxing movie with me, then it was completely worth it. If you're a guy, I think you'll love the movie. If you're a woman, I think you'll love the movie. If you're Adrian Balboa, you'll be complaining the whole time about how Renee should be acting more like a bitch and screaming from the top of the stairs, "You can't win!" If you're a couple, though, you'll find this a GREAT movie. It gives you both something enjoyable to watch somewhere in between Bridget Jones's Diary and Gladiator. I give the it 5 out of 5 stars, and I'm sure you will too. (Except for that bitch Adrian. Seriously, she's got issues.)
But I don't want to talk about garage sales right now. After an exhausting day hawking our wares, The Wife and I were exhausted. We decided to watch a movie and luckily had Cinderella Man on hand, thanks to Netflix. This was one of the best movies I've watched in a long time. Even better, it was the greatest marriage of a sports movie to a chick flick since Jerry Maguire. (By the way, I have a bad feeling that I'm completely plagerizing The Sports Guy, but I don't care and I'm way too lazy to actually read what he wrote about this movie. That's actually one of the problems I have with reading The Sports Guy. He talks about a lot of the things I do. In fact, he steals my ideas a lot. I've been preaching for years about how Rocky IV single-handedly brought down communism. Then this jerk goes and writes a whole column about it on ESPN.com. Now nobody will listen to me. Wait, nobody listened to me in the first place. Either way, it's annoying.)
Ron Howard really did a great job directing Cinderella Man. He really took pains to show how low James Braddock had sunk. (In case you're unfamiliar with the story, it goes like this. Boxer does well. Should be champ. But he loses the edge and goes broke. It's the Depression. Things keep getting worse. Boxer gets one last chance to box and starts winning. It's based on a true story too.) Now, I knew the plot going into the movie. I knew Braddock would be hard on his luck, running out of money and whatnot. But Opie did a great job taking you down with him. He almost makes you feel like you're the one having the power turned off, losing your family. What I really liked, though, is that Richie Cunningham knew when to ease up on the pity. I think there's a fine line. Party of Five frequently crossed it. At some point, you stop caring about the people and just wish they'd jump in front of a bus to save everyone the agony. Ron Howard managed to avoid bringing us to that point. Kudos.
Another thing I liked about the movie was the fight scenes. They were very realistic. Too much nowadays, action sequences are hard to follow. It's a half-second shot of one punch, then a new angle for another half-second shot of another punch. It gets dizzying and annoying. They didn't do that in Cinderella Man. They actually showed the boxers connecting a few punches at a time, both boxers going back and forth. This drags you right into the fight more than you might think. I found myself right on the edge of my seat, as if Rocky Balboa were fighting Clubber Lang all over again.
What I found amusing, though, was when The Wife complained to me during the movie that she hated the fight scenes. That's when I realized it was a chick flick. I was quite surprised that I hadn't even noticed up to that point. In Jerry Maguire, it was painfully obvious. That was really a love story that featured sports. Ick. In Cinderella Man, it's just a great story. It features boxing, but it also features a very real man and his struggles to keep his family together. Sure Renee Zellweger starred in both, but I think that's just a coincidence. That said, I think she did a good job in Cinderella Man because she was a commanding presence without standing out. In other words, I think she actually added something to the film instead of sucking all the life out of it, like Talia Shire in, um, all the Rocky movies. What's Adrian's problem anyway? What a bitch. (And yes, I'm pretty sure I'm now blatantly ripping off The Sports Guy. Let him track me down and sue me.)
Cinderella Man was a great film. I thought it was a little heavy on the who family thing, but if that's what it takes to get my wife to sit through a boxing movie with me, then it was completely worth it. If you're a guy, I think you'll love the movie. If you're a woman, I think you'll love the movie. If you're Adrian Balboa, you'll be complaining the whole time about how Renee should be acting more like a bitch and screaming from the top of the stairs, "You can't win!" If you're a couple, though, you'll find this a GREAT movie. It gives you both something enjoyable to watch somewhere in between Bridget Jones's Diary and Gladiator. I give the it 5 out of 5 stars, and I'm sure you will too. (Except for that bitch Adrian. Seriously, she's got issues.)
I Hate This Diet (Part 1)
All right, this diet completely blows. (I don't think that will be the last time I start a blog entry like that. Which is why this is titled "I Hate This Diet (Part 1)." I fully expect to write this every morning for the next month.) Being a vegan is possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. But on the bright side, I lost another 0.4 pounds. That's a three-day weight loss of 2.8 pounds, bringing me down to a lean and trim 191.2. By my conservative estimates, that leaves me just 20 pounds overweight. And I guarantee that if I continue living as a vegan, I'll make that weight in 2 months. That's because I'll hang myself after the first month and the decomposition will take care of everything.
My main problem with being a vegan? Finding something good to eat. It's nearly impossible to find something that isn't made with milk, eggs, or butter. And do you know why? They're all delicious. Right now, I could even drink an egg and butter milkshake. I'm dying over here! Of course, I have nobody to blame but myself. (And I have more than enough people reminding me of that fact.)
One of the drawbacks of this diet is that I'm always hungry. In fact, I'm often starving. For some reason, it doesn't matter just how many veggies I eat, I always want more. This is probably my brain's way of saying, "Hey stupid, you could eat an entire greenhouse and not get as many calories as a Big Mac. Go to McDonalds, ya moron." Personally, I think my brain is stupid (and I'm not the only one, but I don't have the time to go into that now).
The problem is that my brain is too used to getting meat and bad carbs. Not to mention fat. It craves the stuff. I think that if I can just last another week, I'll be in the clear. My body's not used to the abrupt change I'm giving it and it's in revolt. In fact, this morning, I distinctly heard horsehooves in my throat and something yelling "The veggies are coming! The veggies are coming!" Before long, I expect a civil war (with many cannons ablazing) in my belly.
Tomorrow's going to be difficult. It's my nephew/godson's 4th birthday part. Since we're Italians from Chicago, I'm guessing there's going to be Italian Beef sandwiches. Or maybe Italian sausage. Two of my favorites. Given that I'm trying to cut back on breads and grains, I won't even be able to eat the pasta there. But that's not the worst of it. The absolute worst is going to be dessert. I have a bit of a sweet tooth. In fact, I think all of my teeth are sweet. I love cake. I love ice cream. And my absolute favorite dessert in the whole world? You guessed it, ice cream cake. I doubt there'll be ice cream cake there tomorrow, but if there is, I'm just going to shoot myself.
The only positive about tomorrow is that I don't think my family knows about my stupid veganism yet. If they did, there's no chance in hell there'd be a salad. And there'd be chocolate chip cookies (my second favorite dessert) planted all over my brother's house. (Again, how can vegans think chocolate chip cookies are evil? They're just the simplest, most wonderful thing ever. But the vegans have to hate everything fun and good in life. So they go and make egg-less, butter-less, milk-chocolate-less cookies. And they eat these terrible things and convince themselves that they're actually doing the world good by being vegans. I just wish all the vegans would jump off a bridge already.) Yeah, this is going to be a great month.
My main problem with being a vegan? Finding something good to eat. It's nearly impossible to find something that isn't made with milk, eggs, or butter. And do you know why? They're all delicious. Right now, I could even drink an egg and butter milkshake. I'm dying over here! Of course, I have nobody to blame but myself. (And I have more than enough people reminding me of that fact.)
One of the drawbacks of this diet is that I'm always hungry. In fact, I'm often starving. For some reason, it doesn't matter just how many veggies I eat, I always want more. This is probably my brain's way of saying, "Hey stupid, you could eat an entire greenhouse and not get as many calories as a Big Mac. Go to McDonalds, ya moron." Personally, I think my brain is stupid (and I'm not the only one, but I don't have the time to go into that now).
The problem is that my brain is too used to getting meat and bad carbs. Not to mention fat. It craves the stuff. I think that if I can just last another week, I'll be in the clear. My body's not used to the abrupt change I'm giving it and it's in revolt. In fact, this morning, I distinctly heard horsehooves in my throat and something yelling "The veggies are coming! The veggies are coming!" Before long, I expect a civil war (with many cannons ablazing) in my belly.
Tomorrow's going to be difficult. It's my nephew/godson's 4th birthday part. Since we're Italians from Chicago, I'm guessing there's going to be Italian Beef sandwiches. Or maybe Italian sausage. Two of my favorites. Given that I'm trying to cut back on breads and grains, I won't even be able to eat the pasta there. But that's not the worst of it. The absolute worst is going to be dessert. I have a bit of a sweet tooth. In fact, I think all of my teeth are sweet. I love cake. I love ice cream. And my absolute favorite dessert in the whole world? You guessed it, ice cream cake. I doubt there'll be ice cream cake there tomorrow, but if there is, I'm just going to shoot myself.
The only positive about tomorrow is that I don't think my family knows about my stupid veganism yet. If they did, there's no chance in hell there'd be a salad. And there'd be chocolate chip cookies (my second favorite dessert) planted all over my brother's house. (Again, how can vegans think chocolate chip cookies are evil? They're just the simplest, most wonderful thing ever. But the vegans have to hate everything fun and good in life. So they go and make egg-less, butter-less, milk-chocolate-less cookies. And they eat these terrible things and convince themselves that they're actually doing the world good by being vegans. I just wish all the vegans would jump off a bridge already.) Yeah, this is going to be a great month.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Lost - 4/5/06
Wednesday's episode of Lost was pretty good, much to my surprise. This show has been vexing me for quite awhile now because I feel like it's just been posing more mysteries than it's been answering. I also feel like each episode does absolutely nothing to advance the plot. But Wednesday's episode was actually really good.
Part of the reason it was good was because it featured Hurley, the big, fat, ugly guy with terrible hair. I love that guy. If I could hang out with any character on that show, it'd probably be him. (Well, if you don't count Kate, but that's for different reasons. And it'd probably only be for about 10 seconds. Hey now!) He seems to have a nice, mellow personality that meshes well with me. And every time I yelled at him for annoying me, he'd just say, "Okay, dude."
What I liked about this episode, though, is that it actually posed a viable theory of what the island is: it's actually Hurley's subconscious mind. I do believe that it's all in somebody's mind, but I don't know who. Maybe Walt. By the way, what the hell happened to him? I have a feeling that when he comes back, he's going to be a full-grown man. Only 3 weeks have elapsed since he disappeared, but the actual actor has aged a year. If he hit a growth spurt, it'll be really funny. Like when Andrew on Family Ties went from a baby to a 4-year-old overnight. Or when that ugly girl on Growing Pains went from a baby to a 7-year-old. Honestly, how do sitcoms get away with this? Why aren't there people outside their studios picketing? "We want realistic aging of babies!!!"
Anyway, I liked that the prisoner (Henry) starts revealing information about The Others. And Locke is starting to realize that things aren't what they thought. And Henry even claimed that he didn't enter the numbers into the computer and nothing happened. The question is whether or not he's lying. Would you trust him? I don't think I would. He might just be trying to sucker you into not entering the numbers so that The Others can leave the island or something. This guy hasn't told the truth yet, and now you'll trust him? I don't think so.
Finally, the scenes for next week look promising. Jack tries to confront the others to arrange a swap of Henry for Walt. Anything that features The Others is a winner for me. So hopefully next week is good too. Because I don't think I can handle more annoying episodes this season.
Part of the reason it was good was because it featured Hurley, the big, fat, ugly guy with terrible hair. I love that guy. If I could hang out with any character on that show, it'd probably be him. (Well, if you don't count Kate, but that's for different reasons. And it'd probably only be for about 10 seconds. Hey now!) He seems to have a nice, mellow personality that meshes well with me. And every time I yelled at him for annoying me, he'd just say, "Okay, dude."
What I liked about this episode, though, is that it actually posed a viable theory of what the island is: it's actually Hurley's subconscious mind. I do believe that it's all in somebody's mind, but I don't know who. Maybe Walt. By the way, what the hell happened to him? I have a feeling that when he comes back, he's going to be a full-grown man. Only 3 weeks have elapsed since he disappeared, but the actual actor has aged a year. If he hit a growth spurt, it'll be really funny. Like when Andrew on Family Ties went from a baby to a 4-year-old overnight. Or when that ugly girl on Growing Pains went from a baby to a 7-year-old. Honestly, how do sitcoms get away with this? Why aren't there people outside their studios picketing? "We want realistic aging of babies!!!"
Anyway, I liked that the prisoner (Henry) starts revealing information about The Others. And Locke is starting to realize that things aren't what they thought. And Henry even claimed that he didn't enter the numbers into the computer and nothing happened. The question is whether or not he's lying. Would you trust him? I don't think I would. He might just be trying to sucker you into not entering the numbers so that The Others can leave the island or something. This guy hasn't told the truth yet, and now you'll trust him? I don't think so.
Finally, the scenes for next week look promising. Jack tries to confront the others to arrange a swap of Henry for Walt. Anything that features The Others is a winner for me. So hopefully next week is good too. Because I don't think I can handle more annoying episodes this season.
Wasting Away Again
I wish I were wasting away again in Margaritaville, but no such luck for me. No, I'm wasting away in WeightLossVille. Not as much fun. Today, I tipped the scales at 191.6, a loss of 1.6 pounds since yesterday. My two day weight loss total is 2.4 pounds. Sounds healthy to me....
I'm learning a few things on this diet. The number one thing I'm learning? It's a stupid diet. Here's why. I've lost 2.4 pounds, but I feel like ass. And that's after just TWO DAYS!
Last night, I got home around 5:30 and proceeded to pig out. I ate a nice salad for dinner. (By the way, I've discovered that salads with sweet peppers are infinitely better than salads without. It's compare it to eating crap and eating, well, anything else (except broccoli). Then I had some celery with peanut butter (I need to get some protein, after all). Then I had an orange. Then I had several handfuls of peanuts. Then I had some grapes. I was stuffed. Bursting even. In fact, I was already mentally writing today's blog about how this diet doesn't work because I gained so much weight.
Then I fell asleep. At 8:00. (I usually don't go to bed until around 11:00.) I didn't wake up until 6:15, and it was a struggle for me to get out of bed. Today, I feel like I spent all night smoking pot and doing tequila shots. I'm just not 100% "there." I'm guessing this might have something to do with (a) eating basically no protein, (b) eating basically no carbs, and (c)eating basically no calories. But still, I've lost 2.4 pounds, so I'm not going to stop now. (By the way, at this new rate of weight loss, I'll disappear from the face of the earth in 120 days. Keep your fingers crossed.)
I think what I've learned so far is that man is not supposed to live on fruits, vegetables, and nuts alone. Of course, I'm doing a super-vegan diet (not to mention a super-stupid diet). I should probably start eating breads and push more protein. In other words, I should have about 100 PB&J sandwiches a day. That way, I wouldn't feel like complete ass. I think this is how people on Survivor feel all the time. I've always wondered why those people are such pansies. They've got all this fruit all over, they've got rice. What more do they need? Apparently, they need protein, which is why they're all orgasmic once they get their hands on a fish.
Tonight, I'm making a beef roast, so I'm going to have to eat some of that. (I do believe that true vegans will eat meat if they bought it before they became vegans.) And if Survivor contestants get all orgasmic about catching a tiny fish, I shudder to think how I'll react when I eat the beef roast. I might just have to have dinner in private tonight. Anyway, while this is a definite no-no to the vegan diet, if I don't get some protein into me today, I might just pass out. Which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing given that The Wife is hosting a garage sale tomorrow.
Before I go, I've got one more observation about the diet. One of the major drawbacks of it is how much damn food I have to bring with me to work every day. I have to bring a salad (and not a small one either). I have a separate tupperware thing for the salad dressing. (Thank God we got those tiny little tupperware cups. I had no idea what they'd be good for. I think this might really be their only purpose. Unless you want to carry a single strawberry with you somewhere.) I have another tupperware thing filled with strawberries. I have an apple and an orange. I also have a 24 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi. It's a good thing that (a) I have a briefcase and (b) I have no work in it. That way I can cram it full of all my food so I don't have to look like a retard walking into the building with enough food to feed a small army. (Though, if anyone asked, I'd just say that my office is having a party. Lord knows I wouldn't tell them that I'm experimenting with veganism.)
I'm learning a few things on this diet. The number one thing I'm learning? It's a stupid diet. Here's why. I've lost 2.4 pounds, but I feel like ass. And that's after just TWO DAYS!
Last night, I got home around 5:30 and proceeded to pig out. I ate a nice salad for dinner. (By the way, I've discovered that salads with sweet peppers are infinitely better than salads without. It's compare it to eating crap and eating, well, anything else (except broccoli). Then I had some celery with peanut butter (I need to get some protein, after all). Then I had an orange. Then I had several handfuls of peanuts. Then I had some grapes. I was stuffed. Bursting even. In fact, I was already mentally writing today's blog about how this diet doesn't work because I gained so much weight.
Then I fell asleep. At 8:00. (I usually don't go to bed until around 11:00.) I didn't wake up until 6:15, and it was a struggle for me to get out of bed. Today, I feel like I spent all night smoking pot and doing tequila shots. I'm just not 100% "there." I'm guessing this might have something to do with (a) eating basically no protein, (b) eating basically no carbs, and (c)eating basically no calories. But still, I've lost 2.4 pounds, so I'm not going to stop now. (By the way, at this new rate of weight loss, I'll disappear from the face of the earth in 120 days. Keep your fingers crossed.)
I think what I've learned so far is that man is not supposed to live on fruits, vegetables, and nuts alone. Of course, I'm doing a super-vegan diet (not to mention a super-stupid diet). I should probably start eating breads and push more protein. In other words, I should have about 100 PB&J sandwiches a day. That way, I wouldn't feel like complete ass. I think this is how people on Survivor feel all the time. I've always wondered why those people are such pansies. They've got all this fruit all over, they've got rice. What more do they need? Apparently, they need protein, which is why they're all orgasmic once they get their hands on a fish.
Tonight, I'm making a beef roast, so I'm going to have to eat some of that. (I do believe that true vegans will eat meat if they bought it before they became vegans.) And if Survivor contestants get all orgasmic about catching a tiny fish, I shudder to think how I'll react when I eat the beef roast. I might just have to have dinner in private tonight. Anyway, while this is a definite no-no to the vegan diet, if I don't get some protein into me today, I might just pass out. Which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing given that The Wife is hosting a garage sale tomorrow.
Before I go, I've got one more observation about the diet. One of the major drawbacks of it is how much damn food I have to bring with me to work every day. I have to bring a salad (and not a small one either). I have a separate tupperware thing for the salad dressing. (Thank God we got those tiny little tupperware cups. I had no idea what they'd be good for. I think this might really be their only purpose. Unless you want to carry a single strawberry with you somewhere.) I have another tupperware thing filled with strawberries. I have an apple and an orange. I also have a 24 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi. It's a good thing that (a) I have a briefcase and (b) I have no work in it. That way I can cram it full of all my food so I don't have to look like a retard walking into the building with enough food to feed a small army. (Though, if anyone asked, I'd just say that my office is having a party. Lord knows I wouldn't tell them that I'm experimenting with veganism.)
My First 100 Posts
This is post #100 for me since I started writing this blog a couple months ago. I'm so very proud. When I first started writing this blog, I had no idea how long it would last, or even if it would be amusing. Well, it's lasted because I apparently have nothing better to do with my time and I feel the need to vent about the things that annoy me. The way I see it, I still have a few months (or years) to make it amusing. So stay tuned! Hilarity to follow.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Ed vs. Spencer
Do you think that there's not enough competition on TV. Not enough reality shows either? Well, how about a reality show where people compete against each other? Too much of that too? Well, how about two friends competing for really stupid things like, who can gain the most weight or who is more liked by kids? Ah, there's what we're missing. Luckily, there's a new show on BBC America, called Ed vs. Spencer that does just that.
In the episode I watched, Ed and Spencer are competing to see who can stay handcuffed to the other one longer. They handcuff themselves to each other and are each given a key to unlock themselves. The competition is now very simple. The first one to unlock their handcuff loses.
It's an amazingly engrossing show because of what each person does to get the other guy to quit. Ed is a self-professed twat and before he gets handcuffed, he has a big breakfast of onions, beans, cabbage, and several other smelly things. Meanwhile, Spencer (a bit of a jock) spars to get out all his aggression so he doesn't kill Ed.
Once they're handcuffed, they step it up. Ed has a "break-down" in public that attracts the cops. Spencer takes Ed to a sauna to sweat him out. Ed gets Spencer wicked drunk and then tries to lock him out of the apartment. Spencer beats the crap out of Ed.
But the funniest thing that happened was when Spencer tried to eat. Spencer's right hand is cuffed to Ed's left hand. Spencer tried to take a bite of food (with his right hand) and Ed pulled his left hand down, forcing Spencer's hand down, away from his mouth. So Spencer tries another bite and Ed does it again. Spencer apparently tried switching to his left hand, but couldn't manage it. After going back to his right hand, Ed kept tormenting him. Maybe this just reminds me too much of my own childhood and my brothers, but I found it incredibly funny. Even though I would have been on the receiving end like Spencer.
In the episode I watched, Ed and Spencer are competing to see who can stay handcuffed to the other one longer. They handcuff themselves to each other and are each given a key to unlock themselves. The competition is now very simple. The first one to unlock their handcuff loses.
It's an amazingly engrossing show because of what each person does to get the other guy to quit. Ed is a self-professed twat and before he gets handcuffed, he has a big breakfast of onions, beans, cabbage, and several other smelly things. Meanwhile, Spencer (a bit of a jock) spars to get out all his aggression so he doesn't kill Ed.
Once they're handcuffed, they step it up. Ed has a "break-down" in public that attracts the cops. Spencer takes Ed to a sauna to sweat him out. Ed gets Spencer wicked drunk and then tries to lock him out of the apartment. Spencer beats the crap out of Ed.
But the funniest thing that happened was when Spencer tried to eat. Spencer's right hand is cuffed to Ed's left hand. Spencer tried to take a bite of food (with his right hand) and Ed pulled his left hand down, forcing Spencer's hand down, away from his mouth. So Spencer tries another bite and Ed does it again. Spencer apparently tried switching to his left hand, but couldn't manage it. After going back to his right hand, Ed kept tormenting him. Maybe this just reminds me too much of my own childhood and my brothers, but I found it incredibly funny. Even though I would have been on the receiving end like Spencer.
CSI Has Jumped the Shark
The Wife and I sat down and watched CSI last week and couldn't stop talking about it. The problem is that we couldn't stop talking about how stupid and unbelievable it was. It's ridiculous episodes like this that cause shows to jump the shark, and I believe that CSI has finally done that.
Here was the basic plot of the show. Girl in high school gets killed. One of two people did it. Either a teenage boy, who I think was a senior in high school, did it. Or his 12-year-old half-sister, also a senior in high school, did it. Oh, and the boy already confessed to it.
The show starts out with stupidity. The boy confessed to the killing. He keeps maintaining that he did it. Yet, for some reason, there's a trial. I'm so confused. Are they trying to prove he DIDN'T do it? What's the point of the trial. I just don't get it. He wasn't claiming he was insane. He just said he did it. And they had rock-solid proof that he did. Why go through the time and expense of a trial. Stupid.
Then, his sister testifies at the trial and reveals that SHE killed the girl. And she's reveals that she's wearing the bloody shirt used in the murder. Oh no! (Now we're heading further down the slippery slope of stupidity. Actually, that's not a bad band name. Hard to pronounce though. Never mind.)
The CSI people go talk to the parents of the girl. They're fawning all over her and how smart she is. They then go on to say how stupid their son is and that they're only half-siblings. Yeah, I'm sure parents do that all the time. (This turns out to be a "crucial" plot point, but it's totally unbelievable. I'm sure it actually happens like that in some families, but they're not going to tell the POLICE that.)
I have some problems with this episode in general because of the stupidity of putting a 12-year-old in high school. Supposedly, this girl has a 177 IQ. Okay, fine. I don't care. No matter how smart my kids are, I would NEVER advance them even one grade, let alone 5. I've known two people who skipped grades. Both of them are maladjusted and socially retarded. And this is coming from one of the most socially retarded people in the world. Compared to them, I'm the Great Gatsby.
Here's the problem with skipping grades. You'd better hope that (a) your kid is wicked smart, (b) has a great sense of humor, (c) never wants to get laid, and (d) never wants to compete in sports. Why? Because the kid is going to be the smallest, slowest, dorkiest kid in class. Now, there's a chance that the kid will be tall for his age. That's quite possible. But you don't know that in first grade.
The other problem is that your kid will always be the last one to do something. He'll be the last one to get his driving license. He'll be the last one to be able to drink. So, every time people want to do something, your child becomes the burden for the rest of the group. I distinctly remember being down at U of I (Illinois, in case there are any Iowans reading this) one year for New Year's Eve. One of the women there had skipped a grade and was the youngest of the group. She couldn't get into the bars because she hadn't turned 19 yet. So now it's New Year's Eve. All her friends can party their asses off and she can't. Do you think she was upset? Hell yeah? Do you think people went back with her to the apartment? Hell no. (Actually, some losers did, but I wasn't one of them. I'm a callous bastard and I like to drink. Sue me.)
All this aggravation for what? So your child can be a little more challenged in school? Whatever. If you're so worried about that, teach them at home. It becomes YOUR job as a parent to educate your kid and keep them occupied. Quit putting everything on the school system.
Another problem with this episode of CSI is that the parents let the 12-year-old girl go to prom. Here's this girl who has NO friends in the school. In fact, she just finished explaining how everyone hates her. But the parents let her go to prom. With no date. Are the parents actually encouraging a socially awkward situation? And why would this genius child want to do this? Surprisingly, there's a Carrie-esque situation at the prom and the girl is made to look like a fool.
The whole episode was just dumb. I must say, though, that I'm glad I watched it with The Wife. Bad shows are just so much more enjoyable when you have someone sitting next to you that you can share you rants with.
Here was the basic plot of the show. Girl in high school gets killed. One of two people did it. Either a teenage boy, who I think was a senior in high school, did it. Or his 12-year-old half-sister, also a senior in high school, did it. Oh, and the boy already confessed to it.
The show starts out with stupidity. The boy confessed to the killing. He keeps maintaining that he did it. Yet, for some reason, there's a trial. I'm so confused. Are they trying to prove he DIDN'T do it? What's the point of the trial. I just don't get it. He wasn't claiming he was insane. He just said he did it. And they had rock-solid proof that he did. Why go through the time and expense of a trial. Stupid.
Then, his sister testifies at the trial and reveals that SHE killed the girl. And she's reveals that she's wearing the bloody shirt used in the murder. Oh no! (Now we're heading further down the slippery slope of stupidity. Actually, that's not a bad band name. Hard to pronounce though. Never mind.)
The CSI people go talk to the parents of the girl. They're fawning all over her and how smart she is. They then go on to say how stupid their son is and that they're only half-siblings. Yeah, I'm sure parents do that all the time. (This turns out to be a "crucial" plot point, but it's totally unbelievable. I'm sure it actually happens like that in some families, but they're not going to tell the POLICE that.)
I have some problems with this episode in general because of the stupidity of putting a 12-year-old in high school. Supposedly, this girl has a 177 IQ. Okay, fine. I don't care. No matter how smart my kids are, I would NEVER advance them even one grade, let alone 5. I've known two people who skipped grades. Both of them are maladjusted and socially retarded. And this is coming from one of the most socially retarded people in the world. Compared to them, I'm the Great Gatsby.
Here's the problem with skipping grades. You'd better hope that (a) your kid is wicked smart, (b) has a great sense of humor, (c) never wants to get laid, and (d) never wants to compete in sports. Why? Because the kid is going to be the smallest, slowest, dorkiest kid in class. Now, there's a chance that the kid will be tall for his age. That's quite possible. But you don't know that in first grade.
The other problem is that your kid will always be the last one to do something. He'll be the last one to get his driving license. He'll be the last one to be able to drink. So, every time people want to do something, your child becomes the burden for the rest of the group. I distinctly remember being down at U of I (Illinois, in case there are any Iowans reading this) one year for New Year's Eve. One of the women there had skipped a grade and was the youngest of the group. She couldn't get into the bars because she hadn't turned 19 yet. So now it's New Year's Eve. All her friends can party their asses off and she can't. Do you think she was upset? Hell yeah? Do you think people went back with her to the apartment? Hell no. (Actually, some losers did, but I wasn't one of them. I'm a callous bastard and I like to drink. Sue me.)
All this aggravation for what? So your child can be a little more challenged in school? Whatever. If you're so worried about that, teach them at home. It becomes YOUR job as a parent to educate your kid and keep them occupied. Quit putting everything on the school system.
Another problem with this episode of CSI is that the parents let the 12-year-old girl go to prom. Here's this girl who has NO friends in the school. In fact, she just finished explaining how everyone hates her. But the parents let her go to prom. With no date. Are the parents actually encouraging a socially awkward situation? And why would this genius child want to do this? Surprisingly, there's a Carrie-esque situation at the prom and the girl is made to look like a fool.
The whole episode was just dumb. I must say, though, that I'm glad I watched it with The Wife. Bad shows are just so much more enjoyable when you have someone sitting next to you that you can share you rants with.
One More Vegan Observation
One of the problems I have with being a vegan is with the actual purchasing of fruits and vegetables. Why? Because there are (seldomly) barcodes on fruits and veggies. Last night, I bought a bunch of veggies, and for every one I bought, the cashier had to weigh it and enter the corresponding code. Well, she didn't know the code for sweet banana peppers. (What is it, Ray? I know you know.) So, she opened the flip book with all the veggie pictures. She couldn't find it. Then she went through the actual names and couldn't find it.
At this point, I asked her if there was somebody she could call. She looked at me as if I had asked her to eat a baby. (Which, as a vegan, I completely frown upon. I reserve the right to change my opinion in a month.) So, she keeps going through the veggie names. They're all arranged alphabetically by veggie type. So, there's a whole category for peppers. But, she's going through EACH category of vegetables looking for it. "It's not under potatoes. Not here under onion either. I wonder if it'll be under Root Veggies." I just wanted to grab her and shake her stilly.
Shouldn't there be a time limit on looking up these codes? That's pure incompetance on the part of the checker. I think that if they can't figure out the correct code in 1 minute, then you get it for free. I'm going to complain to Dominick's about this.
At this point, I asked her if there was somebody she could call. She looked at me as if I had asked her to eat a baby. (Which, as a vegan, I completely frown upon. I reserve the right to change my opinion in a month.) So, she keeps going through the veggie names. They're all arranged alphabetically by veggie type. So, there's a whole category for peppers. But, she's going through EACH category of vegetables looking for it. "It's not under potatoes. Not here under onion either. I wonder if it'll be under Root Veggies." I just wanted to grab her and shake her stilly.
Shouldn't there be a time limit on looking up these codes? That's pure incompetance on the part of the checker. I think that if they can't figure out the correct code in 1 minute, then you get it for free. I'm going to complain to Dominick's about this.
Just Getting Started
Today when I woke up, I weighed 193.2 pounds. I've only been a vegan for 24 hours and I'm already wasting away to nothing! At this rate, I'll completely disappear from the earth in 243 days. Sweet.
Last night The Wife and I ran some errands, one of which was to go grocery shopping for my new vegan lifestyle. It was more difficult than I thought. For one thing, I don't really eat a whole lot of fruits and veggies normally. So, there really wasn't anything in our house to begin with. I bought apples, oranges, a pineapple, a canteloupe, carrots, celery, lettuce, tomatoes, peppers (green, red, banana), and strawberries. If you'll notice, there's a lot of fruit in there and little veggies. Why? It's quite simple actually. Fruits are sweet. Veggies suck.
When we got home, we turned on Lost while I proceeded to chop up all my veggies for the salad. Then I sliced up the canteloupe for breakfast and the pineapple for whenever. I looked so domestic. Then I got hungry and scarfed down half a can (a Sam's can, so about 5 pounds) of honey-roasted nuts. I don't know how vegans feel about honey. Do they count bees as "animals?" And if so, are bees really tortured to make honey? Do they have free-range bees whose honey won't make me feel guilty? Cuz I love my honey-roasted peanuts. Yummy.
I found out that The Wife told her Mommy group about my stupid diet. The problem? The Wife is doing this whole Dinner by Design thing. She's going someplace to cook like 10 meals for the family all at once. Then we freeze them and eat them at a later date. Great, right? Well, I'm pretty sure none of those meals are vegan-friendly. In other words, very bad timing by me. This caused the Mommies to set the over-under on my diet at Monday. And I think they're all taking the under.
That's fine with me, too. I'll take all bets. It helps knowing that so many people doubt me. I, myself, doubted me. But not any more. I'm going to make it the whole way, damn it. Unless The Wife continues her tomfoolery, like when she bought cupcakes last night. She knows there are eggs in cupcakes. As a devout vegan, I find it cruel that chickens are forced to lay eggs solely for our consumption. (Note, I reserve the right to change that opinion in a month.) Well, I won't be tempted so easily. No, it's going to take chocolate chip cookies for that.
Last night The Wife and I ran some errands, one of which was to go grocery shopping for my new vegan lifestyle. It was more difficult than I thought. For one thing, I don't really eat a whole lot of fruits and veggies normally. So, there really wasn't anything in our house to begin with. I bought apples, oranges, a pineapple, a canteloupe, carrots, celery, lettuce, tomatoes, peppers (green, red, banana), and strawberries. If you'll notice, there's a lot of fruit in there and little veggies. Why? It's quite simple actually. Fruits are sweet. Veggies suck.
When we got home, we turned on Lost while I proceeded to chop up all my veggies for the salad. Then I sliced up the canteloupe for breakfast and the pineapple for whenever. I looked so domestic. Then I got hungry and scarfed down half a can (a Sam's can, so about 5 pounds) of honey-roasted nuts. I don't know how vegans feel about honey. Do they count bees as "animals?" And if so, are bees really tortured to make honey? Do they have free-range bees whose honey won't make me feel guilty? Cuz I love my honey-roasted peanuts. Yummy.
I found out that The Wife told her Mommy group about my stupid diet. The problem? The Wife is doing this whole Dinner by Design thing. She's going someplace to cook like 10 meals for the family all at once. Then we freeze them and eat them at a later date. Great, right? Well, I'm pretty sure none of those meals are vegan-friendly. In other words, very bad timing by me. This caused the Mommies to set the over-under on my diet at Monday. And I think they're all taking the under.
That's fine with me, too. I'll take all bets. It helps knowing that so many people doubt me. I, myself, doubted me. But not any more. I'm going to make it the whole way, damn it. Unless The Wife continues her tomfoolery, like when she bought cupcakes last night. She knows there are eggs in cupcakes. As a devout vegan, I find it cruel that chickens are forced to lay eggs solely for our consumption. (Note, I reserve the right to change that opinion in a month.) Well, I won't be tempted so easily. No, it's going to take chocolate chip cookies for that.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
It's Time for Something Drastic
Lately, I've been having some digestive problems. I won't go into details, but let's just say it hasn't been pleasant being around me. Less than usual, anyway. To be honest, it hasn't been pleasant being me. Yesterday was brutal, in fact. So I've decided I have to do something drastic to rectify the situation. And that drastic thing is going to be (gasp!) a diet!
I don't really eat a whole lot, but I don't eat healthily. Cereal in the morning (usually something overly sweet, like Coco Puffs). Lots of pretzels and Tostitos. I eat a bunch of red meat (usually grilled), and I drink a lot of beer. Basically, I'm a typical man, as portrayed on every sitcom. And the result? 194 pounds on my 5'7" (on a tall day) frame. In other words, I'm beefy. In fact, I'm a shorter version of Jim Belushi on his crappy sitcom. Of course, I'm funnier than him, but that's not saying much. Why couldn't Jim be the one doing speedballs instead of John? Oh yes, because Jim couldn't afford them because he's a no-talent ass clown.
A logical person would look at my diet and say, "Okay, cut back on the red meat. Stop eating sugar for breakfast. Cut back on the beer. And maybe use your Bally's membership once in awhile instead of flushing that monthly fee down the toilet." I'm not a logical person. Far from it.
That's why I've decided to do a ridiculously stupid diet that's bound to fail. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegan for a month. Basically, I'm doing the opposite of Supersize Me. I'm going to see if I can make it a month eating nothing but fruits, vegetables, and nuts. And that means no booze whatsoever. Frankly, I don't see it lasting through the weekend.
I should state for the record that I hate vegetables. Hate, hate, hate them. Especially broccoli. Not only do I hate broccoli, but I hate broccoli farmers and broccoli shippers. I've run more than one broccoli truck off the road, and when I finally snap and go crazy, I'm going to start executing broccoli farmers. It'll be my own personal jihad. I'll kidnap farmers and put them on the internet, all tied up. "Remove all broccoli from the U.S. or I will kill this farmer. He is an instrument of terror and must pay for his sins."
So why would I want to spend the next month eating nothing but veggies? I think it'll be amusing, that's why. I'm interested to see if I'll lose weight. I'm also interested to see if I lose the desire to live. If I do lose weight, though, that doesn't mean that the diet was successful. It only means that I hate veggies enough that I basically starved myself.
My plan? No more milk or cheese. No meat (except the beef roast that I have defrosting in my fridge right now). No beer (or whiskey or whatever). It's going to be a lot of salads and apples, probably. I have no idea what I'm going to eat in the morning. I can't have eggs, so maybe melon or something. (I'm not even going to allow myself the fake egg stuff. Cuz I'm so hardcore!) I'll keep a daily log of what I eat and how much I weigh. So tune in to see how I do.
The diet will officially end on Saturday, April 29 at our Arbor Day party. Yes, The Wife and I decided to throw an Arbor Day party because every other holiday seems to be taken. (This will be especially ironic since I spent the prior month eating nothing but trees.) The Arbor Day party will be nothing but meat and booze, so I'm going to be like a crack head getting out of jail. And I'll be passed out by 3:00.
By the way, I'm pretty sure that cappuccinos have some sort of dairy product in them, but I don't care. I need them every morning. Go to hell.
And finally, my prediction for how the diet will turn out? I'm guessing that in one week, I'll be down to 190 pounds. In two weeks, I'll be up to 200 pounds because I'll be so sick of being a vegan that I'll have relapsed and eaten an entire cow. And thus I will have proved that being a vegan is stupid.
I don't really eat a whole lot, but I don't eat healthily. Cereal in the morning (usually something overly sweet, like Coco Puffs). Lots of pretzels and Tostitos. I eat a bunch of red meat (usually grilled), and I drink a lot of beer. Basically, I'm a typical man, as portrayed on every sitcom. And the result? 194 pounds on my 5'7" (on a tall day) frame. In other words, I'm beefy. In fact, I'm a shorter version of Jim Belushi on his crappy sitcom. Of course, I'm funnier than him, but that's not saying much. Why couldn't Jim be the one doing speedballs instead of John? Oh yes, because Jim couldn't afford them because he's a no-talent ass clown.
A logical person would look at my diet and say, "Okay, cut back on the red meat. Stop eating sugar for breakfast. Cut back on the beer. And maybe use your Bally's membership once in awhile instead of flushing that monthly fee down the toilet." I'm not a logical person. Far from it.
That's why I've decided to do a ridiculously stupid diet that's bound to fail. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegan for a month. Basically, I'm doing the opposite of Supersize Me. I'm going to see if I can make it a month eating nothing but fruits, vegetables, and nuts. And that means no booze whatsoever. Frankly, I don't see it lasting through the weekend.
I should state for the record that I hate vegetables. Hate, hate, hate them. Especially broccoli. Not only do I hate broccoli, but I hate broccoli farmers and broccoli shippers. I've run more than one broccoli truck off the road, and when I finally snap and go crazy, I'm going to start executing broccoli farmers. It'll be my own personal jihad. I'll kidnap farmers and put them on the internet, all tied up. "Remove all broccoli from the U.S. or I will kill this farmer. He is an instrument of terror and must pay for his sins."
So why would I want to spend the next month eating nothing but veggies? I think it'll be amusing, that's why. I'm interested to see if I'll lose weight. I'm also interested to see if I lose the desire to live. If I do lose weight, though, that doesn't mean that the diet was successful. It only means that I hate veggies enough that I basically starved myself.
My plan? No more milk or cheese. No meat (except the beef roast that I have defrosting in my fridge right now). No beer (or whiskey or whatever). It's going to be a lot of salads and apples, probably. I have no idea what I'm going to eat in the morning. I can't have eggs, so maybe melon or something. (I'm not even going to allow myself the fake egg stuff. Cuz I'm so hardcore!) I'll keep a daily log of what I eat and how much I weigh. So tune in to see how I do.
The diet will officially end on Saturday, April 29 at our Arbor Day party. Yes, The Wife and I decided to throw an Arbor Day party because every other holiday seems to be taken. (This will be especially ironic since I spent the prior month eating nothing but trees.) The Arbor Day party will be nothing but meat and booze, so I'm going to be like a crack head getting out of jail. And I'll be passed out by 3:00.
By the way, I'm pretty sure that cappuccinos have some sort of dairy product in them, but I don't care. I need them every morning. Go to hell.
And finally, my prediction for how the diet will turn out? I'm guessing that in one week, I'll be down to 190 pounds. In two weeks, I'll be up to 200 pounds because I'll be so sick of being a vegan that I'll have relapsed and eaten an entire cow. And thus I will have proved that being a vegan is stupid.
The Number of the Beast
I was just reading The Straight Dope's report about the number of the beast (666), since the date 6/6/06 is rapidly approaching. One of the funny things they included were variations on the number of the beast. Enjoy.
660 = Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI = Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 = Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 = Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 = Beast Common Denominator
(-666) ^ (1/2) = Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66 e3 = Floating point Beast
1010011010 = Binary of the Beast
6, uh . . . what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 = Area code of the Beast
00666 = Zip code of the Beast
666mph = The speed limit of the Beast
$665.95 = Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 = Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 = Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 = Way of the Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k = Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg = Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
$666/hr = Beast's lawyer's billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6 = Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 = Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 = CPU of the Beast
665.9997856 = The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
666i = BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A = Beast's hexed address
668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333 = The semi-Christ
660 = Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI = Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 = Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 = Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 = Beast Common Denominator
(-666) ^ (1/2) = Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66 e3 = Floating point Beast
1010011010 = Binary of the Beast
6, uh . . . what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 = Area code of the Beast
00666 = Zip code of the Beast
666mph = The speed limit of the Beast
$665.95 = Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 = Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 = Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 = Way of the Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k = Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg = Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
$666/hr = Beast's lawyer's billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6 = Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 = Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 = CPU of the Beast
665.9997856 = The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
666i = BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A = Beast's hexed address
668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333 = The semi-Christ
It Worked!!!!
A while ago, I wrote about how WFLD, Chicago's Fox channel, replaced the 5:00 episode of The Simpsons with Yes Dear. I thought it was stupid and moronic. I encouraged everyone to email WFLD and tell them so. My reason? Yes Dear is a TERRIBLE show. I mean, it's absolutely horrible. It doesn't have one redeeming quality.
And what happened? WFLD realized the error of their ways and put The Simpsons back on. (This link will take you to the Sun-Times article that broke the news. It's hidden somewhere near the bottom.) This leaves two questions: Why did WFLD get rid of The Simpsons in the first place? And why did they bring it back.
My guess is that the ratings for the 5:00 version of The Simpsons were lagging the 6:00 and 10:00 versions. So WFLD figured they'd try a new show. For some reason, they went with Yes Dear. Then the ratings bombed. Morons like me emailed WFLD and told them they were idiots. Then WFLD realized one of two things: either fans of The Simpsons aren't adequately represented by the ratings or that fans of The Simpsons are die-hards. They don't miss an episode.
You see, if Yes Dear is on, who who watches it? I mean, besides the mentally deranged. People who can't find anything else to watch. But with The Simpsons, there are people like me who actually TiVo the 5:00 episode so I can watch it when I get home. I'm sure I'm not the only one either. So the question posed to WFLD is: do we want a whole lot of people indifferent about our 5:00 show or do we want a handful of people watching it like their life depended on it. As you can see, they went with the latter. Later, we can tackle WHY my life depends on it so much, but I don't feel like beating myself up right now.
And what happened? WFLD realized the error of their ways and put The Simpsons back on. (This link will take you to the Sun-Times article that broke the news. It's hidden somewhere near the bottom.) This leaves two questions: Why did WFLD get rid of The Simpsons in the first place? And why did they bring it back.
My guess is that the ratings for the 5:00 version of The Simpsons were lagging the 6:00 and 10:00 versions. So WFLD figured they'd try a new show. For some reason, they went with Yes Dear. Then the ratings bombed. Morons like me emailed WFLD and told them they were idiots. Then WFLD realized one of two things: either fans of The Simpsons aren't adequately represented by the ratings or that fans of The Simpsons are die-hards. They don't miss an episode.
You see, if Yes Dear is on, who who watches it? I mean, besides the mentally deranged. People who can't find anything else to watch. But with The Simpsons, there are people like me who actually TiVo the 5:00 episode so I can watch it when I get home. I'm sure I'm not the only one either. So the question posed to WFLD is: do we want a whole lot of people indifferent about our 5:00 show or do we want a handful of people watching it like their life depended on it. As you can see, they went with the latter. Later, we can tackle WHY my life depends on it so much, but I don't feel like beating myself up right now.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Mission Possible
Well, after almost two years, I'm finally employed full-time again. I've decided to accept an offer from LAF to do business valuations. I won't bore you with the details, but basically I try to determine what the "true" value of a company is. Some of my work will be actuarial in nature and there's even a slight chance that I'll go back to being an actuary.
So, I'd like to thank my Negotiations professor. We had a whole class about salary negotiations. When LAF made their first offer, it was about $10,000 less than I had hoped. They did, however, say that I'd be able to get a promotion after a year. So I told LAF I'd think about it. (That's rule #1 of negotiating a salary. Never, ever commit on the spot. Tell them you'll think about it and call them back later, preferably the next day.)
I called back a few days later (after I had a chance to review the letter they sent) and asked some questions about this "promotion." Certainly, it's not guaranteed, but there's a good chance I'll get it. And it could mean a salary increase of about 15%. And then I'd be eligible for a bonus of about 20%. Of course, this all assumes that I rock at LAF. Which I will.
Anyway, I mentioned that I'm concerned about the money, but that I loved the job and the company. I explained how my Excel expertise (and all the programs I've written that I'm bringing with) is worth more than they're offering. Then I told them that I have a few interviews in the works, so I might need to delay my decision. (In truth, I have no other interviews, or even prospects for interviews.) LAF asked what I wanted. I said that for an extra $5,000, I'd be able to forgo the other interviews and accept immediately. Otherwise I'd need 1-2 weeks to decide. LAF said they'd get back to me.
So, LAF called me today and said they agreed to come up to my level. Suckers. So now I'm going to accept. I told LAF that I'd call tomorrow to give my final answer, but it'll be a yes. I just have to let it sink in.
I'm pretty excited about this job, even if I'll be working with Rick. LAF is a great company to work for. There's a lot of damage I can do there. They're in the Loop, which I'm not thrilled about because my commute will be about an hour each way via train. But I can sleep on the train or study for my upcoming CFA exams. And the best part? No more classes for me. And now The Wife and I can worry about her job and when she's going to quit. That's a much happier decision to have to make.
So, I'd like to thank my Negotiations professor. We had a whole class about salary negotiations. When LAF made their first offer, it was about $10,000 less than I had hoped. They did, however, say that I'd be able to get a promotion after a year. So I told LAF I'd think about it. (That's rule #1 of negotiating a salary. Never, ever commit on the spot. Tell them you'll think about it and call them back later, preferably the next day.)
I called back a few days later (after I had a chance to review the letter they sent) and asked some questions about this "promotion." Certainly, it's not guaranteed, but there's a good chance I'll get it. And it could mean a salary increase of about 15%. And then I'd be eligible for a bonus of about 20%. Of course, this all assumes that I rock at LAF. Which I will.
Anyway, I mentioned that I'm concerned about the money, but that I loved the job and the company. I explained how my Excel expertise (and all the programs I've written that I'm bringing with) is worth more than they're offering. Then I told them that I have a few interviews in the works, so I might need to delay my decision. (In truth, I have no other interviews, or even prospects for interviews.) LAF asked what I wanted. I said that for an extra $5,000, I'd be able to forgo the other interviews and accept immediately. Otherwise I'd need 1-2 weeks to decide. LAF said they'd get back to me.
So, LAF called me today and said they agreed to come up to my level. Suckers. So now I'm going to accept. I told LAF that I'd call tomorrow to give my final answer, but it'll be a yes. I just have to let it sink in.
I'm pretty excited about this job, even if I'll be working with Rick. LAF is a great company to work for. There's a lot of damage I can do there. They're in the Loop, which I'm not thrilled about because my commute will be about an hour each way via train. But I can sleep on the train or study for my upcoming CFA exams. And the best part? No more classes for me. And now The Wife and I can worry about her job and when she's going to quit. That's a much happier decision to have to make.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Bundle of Joy -- and Poop
Last night, The Wife and I headed over to my friends' condo in
It's a long drive from Buffalo Grove to
Luke did warm up (figuratively, since he was awful warm in the car to begin with) once we got to the condo. At first, he thought Scott and Cathy were scary. And I can't say that I blame him. But, like everyone else, after he got to know them a little, well, they seemed moderately less scary. (I should point out that this isn't the first time that Luke met Scott and Cathy. But they don't leave much of an impression. Sometimes I forget that I know them, and I met Scott in 1980.) So Luke just ran all over the condo, rearranging bookshelves and eating whatever he could get his hands on. He must have gotten really comfortable there, though, because he decided to poop on their floor.
It's not like he just pulled down his pants and let go. No, Luke is getting a new tooth right now. And, as we've discovered, new teeth = diarrhea. So, he had some explosive diarrhea that managed to get all over his clothes. And on the floor. (By the way, this is why the winter coat was helpful. Luke went home in socks, a diaper, and a coat.) If Scott and Cathy were thinking about having kids before, I'm sure they're re-thinking that right now. But since Scott still owes me $5 from Super Bowl XX, over 20 years ago, I think Luke finally evened things up. Now I just need to make a list of who else owes me something so I can have my son shit on their floor.
