The Dow Is Up!

Lately, I've been having some digestive problems. I won't go into details, but let's just say it hasn't been pleasant being around me. Less than usual, anyway. To be honest, it hasn't been pleasant being me. Yesterday was brutal, in fact. So I've decided I have to do something drastic to rectify the situation. And that drastic thing is going to be (gasp!) a diet!

I don't really eat a whole lot, but I don't eat healthily. Cereal in the morning (usually something overly sweet, like Coco Puffs). Lots of pretzels and Tostitos. I eat a bunch of red meat (usually grilled), and I drink a lot of beer. Basically, I'm a typical man, as portrayed on every sitcom. And the result? 194 pounds on my 5'7" (on a tall day) frame. In other words, I'm beefy. In fact, I'm a shorter version of Jim Belushi on his crappy sitcom. Of course, I'm funnier than him, but that's not saying much. Why couldn't Jim be the one doing speedballs instead of John? Oh yes, because Jim couldn't afford them because he's a no-talent ass clown.

A logical person would look at my diet and say, "Okay, cut back on the red meat. Stop eating sugar for breakfast. Cut back on the beer. And maybe use your Bally's membership once in awhile instead of flushing that monthly fee down the toilet." I'm not a logical person. Far from it.

That's why I've decided to do a ridiculously stupid diet that's bound to fail. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegan for a month. Basically, I'm doing the opposite of Supersize Me. I'm going to see if I can make it a month eating nothing but fruits, vegetables, and nuts. And that means no booze whatsoever. Frankly, I don't see it lasting through the weekend.

I should state for the record that I hate vegetables. Hate, hate, hate them. Especially broccoli. Not only do I hate broccoli, but I hate broccoli farmers and broccoli shippers. I've run more than one broccoli truck off the road, and when I finally snap and go crazy, I'm going to start executing broccoli farmers. It'll be my own personal jihad. I'll kidnap farmers and put them on the internet, all tied up. "Remove all broccoli from the U.S. or I will kill this farmer. He is an instrument of terror and must pay for his sins."

So why would I want to spend the next month eating nothing but veggies? I think it'll be amusing, that's why. I'm interested to see if I'll lose weight. I'm also interested to see if I lose the desire to live. If I do lose weight, though, that doesn't mean that the diet was successful. It only means that I hate veggies enough that I basically starved myself.

My plan? No more milk or cheese. No meat (except the beef roast that I have defrosting in my fridge right now). No beer (or whiskey or whatever). It's going to be a lot of salads and apples, probably. I have no idea what I'm going to eat in the morning. I can't have eggs, so maybe melon or something. (I'm not even going to allow myself the fake egg stuff. Cuz I'm so hardcore!) I'll keep a daily log of what I eat and how much I weigh. So tune in to see how I do.

The diet will officially end on Saturday, April 29 at our Arbor Day party. Yes, The Wife and I decided to throw an Arbor Day party because every other holiday seems to be taken. (This will be especially ironic since I spent the prior month eating nothing but trees.) The Arbor Day party will be nothing but meat and booze, so I'm going to be like a crack head getting out of jail. And I'll be passed out by 3:00.

By the way, I'm pretty sure that cappuccinos have some sort of dairy product in them, but I don't care. I need them every morning. Go to hell.

And finally, my prediction for how the diet will turn out? I'm guessing that in one week, I'll be down to 190 pounds. In two weeks, I'll be up to 200 pounds because I'll be so sick of being a vegan that I'll have relapsed and eaten an entire cow. And thus I will have proved that being a vegan is stupid.