The Dow Is Up!

I'm sure you all know (all 3 of you anyway) that I used to be an actuary. The brief story is that I worked as a Pension Actuary for 5 years with one company before changing jobs and then promptly getting laid off. I haven't worked as an actuary since. And now I'm out for revenge. (With the right voice, this could be the beginning to an incredibly boring movie where I kill people by talking about mortality tables and interest theory.)

Since I last worked as an actuary, I worked as a quality engineer (which made me want to commit the ritualistic samurai suicide of seppuko every day), I started getting my MBA, and I interned with a small company doing basic spreadsheet work. I really didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up. Recently, I wrote about how I want to be a Portfolio Manager. Well, I've changed my mind. Again. Sort of.

One of my classes this semester is Applied Portfolio Management. We basically act like Portfolio Managers. We investigate industries and countries. We make recommendations about stocks. In fact, we even get to make our recommendation to the U of I Foundation, which handles U of I's endowment. So we might actually get a few bucks to play around with, which would be nice. (Which means, if you have a child who goes to U of I and you're wondering why tuition is so high, you can blame me for recommending that they throw all their money into MidgetWhores.com.)

My professor for APM is a weird little Korean lady. Very nice and funny, but a little kooky. Not that that's a bad thing. It's actually rather enjoyable. I mentioned to her that I'm a former actuary. She got all excited. (Honestly, who doesn't get excited when they first meet an actuary?) We started talking and she gave me a pamphlet about an upcoming sympsium for Investment Actuaries.

I know what you're asking: "Dow, what's the difference between a Pension Actuary and an Investment Actuary?" (Actually, you're probably asking yourself why you're still reading this stupid blog. I have no answer for you. You might want to see a psychiatrist.) Well, the easy answer is: one actuarial exam.

What do Investment Actuaries do? They basically act like Portfolio Managers for insurance companies and pension funds. In other words, if I just take one more actuarial exam, I can slide right into being an Investment Actuary. I can't say that I'm happy about the prospect of taking another actuarial exam. (If the worst exam you ever took was akin to getting a cavity filled, then an actuarial exam is like getting hemorroids removed by a drunken, blind, masochistic doctor.) But, the good news is that I can probably get hired now and then get paid to study for the exam after I'm hired.

My professor also sent me an article explaining how the finance community needs to know about actuaries because they can be useful in doing risk management for corporations. I plan on bringing this article with me to every career fair I go to.

So it looks like being an actuary might have paid off for me. I might actually get to do some Portfolio Management, like I want. I might even get to go back to being called an actuary, which would be sweet because then I could go back to telling actuarial jokes. Like what you ask? Well, I'll leave you with my all-time favorite. Then you'll have no doubt in your mind why I'm perfectly suited to being an actuary.

Two actuaries go deer hunting. After hours of sitting in the woods, a huge 10-point buck walks in front of them. They both pull out their rifles and fire. The first one misses by 6 feet to the left. The second one misses 6 feet to the right. The actuaries look at each other, give a high five and yell, "Bull's eye!"

Earlier, I wrote that 24 is my second favorite show on TV after The Shield. Well, yesterday I changed my mind. 24 is just leaps and bounds ahead of The Shield, and any other show for that matter.

I'm never home for 24 because I have class when it's on. So I TiVo it. Usually, I watch it when I get home from class on Mondays because I can't wait to find out what happened. This week, I had a case due Tuesday afternoon, which I put off until the last minute, of course. So I had to skip 24 to work on the case. When I got home from class on Tuesday, The Shield was just beginning. Since I was TiVo-ing it too, I figured I'd watch 24 and then either go to bed or watch The Shield.

24 was fantastic as usual. I actually found myself yelling at the TV to not let the show end. (Spoiler alert - if you haven't seen 24 and are planning on it, just skip this and the next paragraph.) During the episode, an assassin sneaks into the CTU building thanks to the help of a CTU agent. His mission? To kill Jack. (Silly man, NOBODY can kill Jack Bauer.) Jack, of course, thwarts the attempt on his life. And with 90 seconds left in the show, Jack heads off to interrogate the suspect.

For those who aren't familiar with 24, Jack is quite an interrogator. He usually ends up torturing the person to get the info he wants. All I could think was, "There's 90 seconds left. How can he possibly torture this guy enough before the show ends?" I literally said aloud, "Shit, please don't end it here." Well, Jack made quick work of his interrogation only to find out that the President's Chief of Staff is trying to kill him. Okay, I know that's a bit of a stretch, but I don't care.

So after watching 24, I was WAY too pumped up to go to bed. I decided to watch The Shield. It was a mistake. The Shield is a GREAT show. I can't stress enough how much I like it. But it just can't hold a candle to 24. The Shield is one of those shows that has an over-arching story that carries you through all the episodes of the season. Sure, they have cases that they solve every episode, but they usually only bring you further along the story-arch.

This season, Vic Mackey is being investigated by an Internal Affairs (IAD) cop played by Forest Whitaker. (I should say right now that I've never liked Forest Whitaker. He's always annoyed me. I don't know if it's the lazy eye or the fact that someone fatter and uglier than me is a major star in Hollywood. Either way, I think he's sucked since Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Anyway.) The story is slowly developing with one of Vic's friends/co-workers getting busted and wearing a wire to bust Vic. It's a slow set-up, but I'm sure it'll pick up.

But that only shows how great 24 is. In the first 10 minutes of the show, ex-President David Palmer (a major star for the show's first four seasons) is assassinated. Then another major star is killed off. And of course, Jack has to come out of hiding to kill a bunch of bad people. It's a pulse-pounding, mile-a-minute thrill ride.

(And yes, I'm trying to get my name and quote onto the Fox commercials. You know the ones that say Stacked is Pam Anderson's best work since Barb Wire and that it's the best comedy since Seinfeld. And then you look at the name in tiny print and it says "The Dow from The Dow Is Up." I want that. I need that. Get the word out.)

Anyway, barring a return of Kim Bauer to 24 or a stunning death to a strike team member on The Shield, I have to apologize for my earlier post where I said that The Shield was better than 24. I couldn't have been more wrong if I tried. (And believe me, I don't need to try hard to be wrong about something.)

In a previous post, I mentioned a woman in my Portfolio Management class who's quite annoying. I even gave her the nickname Mrs. David Brent. Well, she got her revenge on me yesterday. We were sorting into groups to investigate emerging markets. Basically, we'll research various countries to find good companies from those countries to invest in.

The first group stood up. They were all Indian. For some reason, they chose to do India as their emerging market. The second group stood up and they were all Chinese. For some reason they chose China as their emerging market.

That left one group to stand up and be counted: the white people. As a white person, I cheerfully stood up until I noticed Mrs. David Brent standing up too. D'oh! Why couldn't she be Chinese? Would it hurt her to even pretend? Anyway, so now I'm on a group of 6 people with her. Hopefully, the 4 other people (besides her and me, that is), will help dilute her annoyingness. Otherwise, I might just shoot her. And I'm not in a mood to go to prison right before I finally graduate. (Okay, I don't think I'll ever be in a mood to go to prison, but you get my point. Actually, a few more years in school and I would want to go to prison, but that's besides the point.)

Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
5 stars (out of 5)

Last weekend, The Wife and I went to go see Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and it's one of the best movies I've seen in quite some time. I know it makes me sound like a child to say that I loved a kid's movie. But I've thoroughly enjoyed all the Harry Potter books and films, so it shouldn't come as a surprise. I am, after all, a huge dork.

I read all the Narnia books when I was a wee child and I loved them. I haven't read them in about 10 years and I honestly don't really remember what happens in them. That's why I was so surprised at how well the movie dragged me in. It made me remember everything in the books and realize what a great job they did in making the movie.

I have to admit that the first part of the movie was rather boring. I mean, it's a bunch of ugly kids running around a mansion. (I don't understand why they couldn't find kids that weren't so repulsive to star in this movie, by the way. I mean Lucy's face could stop a clock. In fact, I'm not so sure that the creatures who were turned to stone didn't get that way via Lucy's face. Ugh.)

Anyway, the movie picks up when all the kids get to Narnia. And that's when I started to remember just how much I loved the book. It was probably the first book I read that I couldn't put down. I remember reading it in grade school (2nd grade? 4th grade?) and we were only supposed to read one chapter at a time. This was the first time (and possibly the last time until Slaughterhouse 5) that I read ahead. Well, the movie sticks to the book wonderfully and just completely immerses you in the world of Narnia.

I think what really made the movie great was seeing it in the theater. I always hear people say that you have to see such-and-such movie in the theater. I have so say, I never really got it until I got married and had a kid. When we watch a movie at home, Luke's always fussy. Or The Wife and I end up having stupid conversations during the film. And we're always taking breaks to let the dog out or kick the cat in the head. But at the theater, there were no distractions. And this is one of those movies that if you let it, it'll sweep you up and take you on a ride. Not quite as good a ride as the Demon at Great America, but a good damn ride nonetheless.

If you haven't seen Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe yet, I suggest that you run to a theater right now (don't even tell your boss why you're leaving) and see it. But remember that I told you the kids are ugly and shield your eyes when Lucy first appears. Otherwise, she might just burn your retinas.

Today I was thinking about old TV, the kind I watched when I was a kid. I miss it. I miss things like aliens showing up inexplicably. Was there a better episode of any show ever than when Mork and the Fonz "duelled" on Happy Days? I think not. Coming up with an episode about masturbation is easy for Seinfeld. But imagine their writers trying to come up with a way for the Fonz to outdo an all-powerful alien. (By the way, what happened to all those powers when Mork started his own show? I want ANSWERS!!!!)

I also miss shows about aliens. Alf is the one that most people remember. It was the peak of hilarity. I swear to god, I thought Alf was going to finally eat a cat on one of those episodes. And I can't explain how heartbroken I was when that series ended without them revealing whether or not Alf got to go back to his home planet. (And, no, I'm not being sarcastic about that. It scarred my childhood more than my own brother disfiguring me by pushing me face-first into the wooden corner of a chair.)

The other show about aliens (the domestic kind, anyway) that I miss is Perfect Strangers. Ever since his string of hits in the early 80's (Risky Business, Bachelor Party, and Bevery Hills Cop), I'd been clamoring for a way for Bronson Pinchot to flex his acting muscles. Making him an alien sheepherder from Mypos, Greek was a stroke of genius. And pairing him with the adorable Mark Linn-Baker was just icing on the cake. The perfect fish-out-of-water story didn't even skip a beat when Larry (Linn-Baker) lost his job at the newspaper and for some reason started working in an antique shop.

The other two things I really miss are shows about robots and shows that revolve around cars. And would you believe that I got the best of both worlds with Knight Rider? Yes, you would. Because the whole world stopped what they were doing when Knight Rider came on the air. The attraction of David Hasselhoff and a talking Trans Am were just too much for the American (nay, the worldwide) public to ignore.

Knight Rider had everything. It had secrets. (Just who was Michael Knight, anyway? How smart is Kitt? Isn't Kitt's voice the dude from St. Elsewhere? How did this show gets ratings?) It had a semi truck. It had a chick. It had a British guy. It even had an evil robot car (Karr), who was Kitt's archenemy. Brilliant!

After years of solid entertainment, now we've got crap. We've basically got just CSI and Law and Order for dramas. And for sitcoms, we have fat men with hot wives and a bunch of children that they don't know how to raise. What does that sound like? Crap. But if you add a lovable alien who wants to eat the family cat? High comedy.