The Dow Is Up!

I made a major purchase the other day and I couldn't be any more excited about it. I bought an HP-12C, the coolest calculator ever made. No, it doesn't graph. Hell, it doesn't even have a cool display where you can make letters and such. It's just a basic financial calculator that I love more than sweet life itself. (Okay, maybe not that much, but close.)

When I first started working as an actuary, they gave me an HP-12C. It's the calculator of choice for financial dorks. It's a weird calculator to use because it has Reverse Polish Notation (RPN). Instead of typing [5] [+] [5] [=], you type [5] [enter] [5] [+]. What's so great about that? Nothing to most people. But to me, it was a godsend. It let me do my calculations very quickly. (It's sad that that's all it takes to make me happy.)

When I stopped being an actuary, I stopped using an HP-12C. It wasn't a cognitive choice. I just didn't take the calculator with me when I left. Later, as a quality engineer, I had no use for one. When I started going to school, I just used whatever financial calculator I had at work. It was a poor substitute. In fact, it was broken for the last 6 months. But I refused to replace it. My theory was that I'd wait until I got a new job. Then THEY'D give me an HP-12C.

Unfortunately, LAF didn't see the HP-12C as a necessary thing to give me. I was so bummed by this. So I had to go out and buy my own HP-12C. And even though I'm upset about having to shell out money myself, I'm so elated to finally be reunited with my little calculating buddy. And I couldn't possibly feel like a bigger dork.

School is now three weeks behind me. I'm getting settled into my job. One of the joys of this job is my commute. I ride the train for about an hour or so each day. (And no, I wasn't using "joy" sarcastically.) What's nice about that time on the train is that I get to be productive. I can do work (not likely), sleep or even read. Lately, I've taken to reading. I love to read, but I don't do enough of it. Yesterday I went to the library and picked out a nice page-turner for the next few weeks. What did I get? Why, The First World War: A Complete History, of course. Just more evidence that I'm a dork.

I don't know when this sort of dorkiness came on. I used to hate history. In fact, when I was a freshman in high school, I was so happy that I could take a blow-off class like Our Changing World (I don't even remember what the course was about) instead of World History. (Ironically, if I had taken World History instead, I probably wouldn't be reading this book right now.)

Anyway, for the last couple of years, I've become fascinated by history. I find it so interesting to know why things happen. I knew a lot about World War II. Basically, German got greedy, Hitler went nuts, all kinds of bad things happened. Well, now as I'm reading about WWI, I'm starting to understand more of what influenced WWII.

And the influences of WWI are interesting too. First you've got the Austrian-Hungarian empire, which was ruled by the Hapsburgs. What an interesting family! First, they rule an empire. Then they go on to have the most famous feud in America with the McCoys! I wonder if that started because the McCoys hated Austro-Hungarians. I bet it did. Maybe that'll be the next book I read.

Last night was the 2-hour season finale of 24. All I can say is "wow." It was amazing, proving to be a terrific ending to the show's best season ever. If you haven't seen the show yet, you might want to avoid reading this because I'm going to be giving away a lot of what happened. Conversely, if you don't care for 24, you might want to stop reading because you'll just be bored silly. Unless you like ridiculous scenarios that could never happen in real life. Because this episode was chock-full of them.

Okay, the show starts out with a bunch of terrorists who've hijacked a submarine and are going to use its missiles to blow up some cities on the west coast. I know, it happens every day. Well, Jack manages to thwart them. Again. But what I liked about it was that Jack basically kills indiscriminately now. He's no longer a member of CTU, even though he's running the operation. At one point, he has the head terrorist's head in a leg scissors. When he finds out that the missile attack has been thwarted, he just snaps the guy's neck. No prison for that jerk. I like that kind of decisiveness. Two minutes later, Jack kills his former boss, who was a traitor to the country. Yay!

So the threats over and there's still 90 minutes left in the show? What's Jack going to do now? Oh yeah. Kill the President. Or at least get him to confess for his role in today's events. Now, this is where things get kinda fishy. Even for 24. (I'll leave out a lot of boring details to move this along. Keep in mind, these details were not boring in the least while watching the show.) The plan basically involves Jack hijacking the President's helicopter. Somehow Jack manages to get himself onto the Presidential compound. Then he gets himself the right credentials. (Knowing the Chief of Staff helps.) Then he gets in the helicopter and tasers the Secret Service guards. He gets the pilot to land the plane and then tasers him. Somehow, I think there would be better security in place. The President shouldn't be THAT easy to kidnap. Though sometimes I wish our current President were. Great, now I'm going to be on the FBI's watch list. At least it'll increase the number of people who read my blog!

So Jack is trying to get the President to confess, threatening to shoot him. The President doesn't confess and Jack can't bring himself to shoot him. Uh-oh. Now the FBI is closing in. Crap! They've caught Jack. Now what? There's still like 40 minutes left to go!

Well, it turns out that Jack bugged the President. Later, his wife got him to confess, not knowing he was bugged. They get that info to the Attorney General and the President is taken into custody right after giving a speech commemorating David Palmer, the former President. (By the way, if you're keeping score at home, there have been 3 Presidents on this show. The first one, David Palmer, was assassinated at the beginning of the season (as an ex-President). Last season, the 2nd President's plane was shot down, causing the VP to come into power. Apparently, the 2nd President died because the VP became the President this season (with his own VP). Now, the 3rd President is going to resign from office. Yeah that sounds like a typical 5-year period in American politics.)

Anyway, so the President gets busted and people start saying their good-byes. But there's still too much time left. Jack finally gets reunited with his love-interest, Audrey. Then he gets a phone call from his daughter, Kim. He goes inside to take it. Great, more Kim. Can't someone please kill her already. But wait! It's not Kim. Instead, it's a setup. Jack gets attacked by men in masks. And somehow, he gets captured! (Note, Jack never gets captured. Something fishy's going on.) Cut to commercial.

When we come back, Jack is all beaten up in a room. Then the attackers take off their masks. Their Chinese. WAIT A MINUTE! The whole reason Jack was in hiding at the beginning of the season is because the Chinese wanted him dead. He had to fake his death to get away from them. And the evil Chinese leader is in the room. Jack says he knows how this works. He'll be taken to China, turned into a slave/prisoner. He'll never see his family again. His life is over. So he asks them to kill him. Evil Chinese Man says, "Jack, you're too valuable to kill." Then he walks away. And as they zoom out, you see that he's on a cargo ship heading to Shanghai. (There's actually a history of people getting "Shanghaied" in the 1800's and early 1900's. They'd get kidnapped from cities in American and put aboard ships headed for China, never to be heard from again.)

And that's how the season ended. Simply amazing. The worst part? No new episodes until January 2007! That's 8 months! I can not wait that long. I mean, how's the next season going to go? They've all taken place in Los Angeles. Is he going to return to LA somehow? Or will next season take place in China? Is China going to force him to do something, like kill the President? Will there be an attempt to rescue Jack? Damn it! I want to know! I seriously can't believe I have to wait 8 months to find out. God, I'm going to be miserable until then. But I really must say that this has been the single best season of 24 ever. And the plot for next season seems interesting so far. And I don't even have a clue what it'll be. God I love this show.

On my second day of work at LAF, I went out to eat with a few people in my workgroup. One of the people there, Julie, was billed as having “weird taste in music.” Naturally, I felt a kindred spirit. Well, apparently she had to skip a concert to attend our group outing on Thursday. The band she missed was Wolfmother, and she must really be kicking herself for missing them because they rock.

When I asked Julie what they sound like, she said they were like a mix of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. I checked allmusic.com and they said they were more like Black Sabbath. Hmmm. I’ve got to give them a listen, I thought. I have to say that I’m both pleased and disappointed to announce that that’s exactly what they sound like.

Naturally, I’m pleased because I like both Zeppelin and Sabbath. Actually, I’m not a HUGE fan of Sabbath. In fact, I think Ozzy is completely overrated. Unless you’re talking about his comedic ability, in which case, he’s more underrated than Larry of the Three Stooges. Still, Sabbath is a good band. Wolfmother? Even better.

What upset me about the comparison to Zeppelin and Sabbath was that I was certain I could come up with a better comparison. I pride myself on knowing a lot of music. I also like playing the Bastard Child game, where you combine two bands to create a Bastard Child of a band. I wracked my brain trying to find better parents for Wolfmother to no avail. They’re very clearly Sabbath-esque. The singer sounds like a less-annoying (and more intelligible) version of Ozzy Osbourne. The music is very similar to Sabbath. But there’s also the bluesy undertones of Zeppelin.

The only other bands that come close are Kings of Leon, the White Stripes, and Soundgarden. Kings of Leon and the White Stripes like to slow it down every once in awhile though. They’re both more “quirky.” Of course, the White Stripes’ music tends to be “hollower” since they’re only using a guitar and drums. Wolfmother stomps on the gas of their Heavy Metal machine and doesn’t ease up for the next hour.

That’s where the comparison to Soundgarden comes. Soundgarden frequently did the same, but there were more intricacies to Soundgarden’s music. The music was faster and less “bassy.” Now that I think about it, Wolfmother almost sounds like a Bastard Child of Sabbath and Green Day. Imagine if Green Day took their three chords, popped a bunch of valium, and then only played heavy metal songs. That’s kind of what Wolfmother sounds like. Of course, that explanation isn’t nearly as simple as Led Zeppelin + Black Sabbath = Wolfmother. But at least mine evokes more vivid imagery. That and $3.50 will buy me a cup of coffee (at Starbucks).

Have we gone too far in society? Every once in awhile, I ask myself this question. A recent article I saw on Yahoo makes me pretty damn certain that the answer is “yes.”

It appears that the new “thing” on campuses is called a Lavender Graduation. This is basically a private graduation for gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, etc. people. They’re given rainbow tassles to wear at the school’s main graduation.

Before I get into my rant, I’d like to say that I fully support gay rights. I think they should be allowed to get married. They can even adopt kids for all I care. But what I don’t understand is why they need their own graduations.

I understand that being gay isn’t easy. Unless you’re a college student. Honestly, is there any place in society that’s so accepting (if not encouraging) of the gay lifestyle? If I spent as much time studying as I did trying to encourage straight women to make out with each other, I would have graduated Magna Cum Laude. But now they want to wear rainbow tassles and have their own graduations? Haven’t we gone too far?

My problem is that I don’t know where we draw the line. African-Americans get their own graduations and tassles. I’m sure Latinos do too. Maybe even Asians. What next? Do we give them to Albanians? Moroccans? Now that gays have their own graduations, why not some smaller groups. I was really hoping there’d be a graduation for punk rockers, mostly because I wanted to see their tassles. I have a feeling that they’d be sticking up like a mini-mohawk.

Now that gays have their own graduations, it’s only going to get worse with time. I swear that when Luke graduates from college, he’s going to have to attend a special graduation for people who were named after Star Wars characters. Come to think of it, I’m actually looking forward to that particular ceremony. Forget everything I said. Gays, you deserve your lavender graduation! Now bring on the storm troopers commencement!

This week, a bunch of finales are going to aired. The one I'm most looking forward to, 24, is on tonight. In the preview, it looks as though Jack is about to shoot the President unless he confesses to what he's done. Somehow, I think the clip is misleading and Jack's really threatening somebody else, like his daughter (Kim) for being so annoying. But if it is the President, oooooh man!

This week's finale on lost promises to answer all kinds of questions. I doubt they will, but I don't care. Know what I just figured out today all by myself? You know how they have to enter the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 into the computer every 108 minutes? Well, those numbers, when added together, equal 108. I'm sure most of you had already figured that out. I'm kinda kicking myself for not doing it myself. And yet I'm still so proud of myself. It really doesn't take much nowadays.

When I was a kid, I enjoyed playing with my mom's electric typewriter. What wasn't to love? You hit a key and a long stick strikes a piece of paper (thwack!). It even leaves a mark on it! And if you do it enough times, you hear a ding! Then you hit a button and the paper MOVES! It was pretty wild stuff when I was 8.

Since my mom was trying to take my annoying habits and make them educational, she gave me a book on learning to type. Since my mom also knew that I was a dork, this was the perfect gift. I spent the next several years learning to type while my friends were learning to catch a football or be sociable. Thanks mom.

I'm exaggerating slightly here, but the point is that through the years, I've learned how to type quite well. I'm not at the level of a secretary, but I'm not too shabby. I make a lot of stupid mistakes that I have to correct, but I'd put my speed at about 45-50 words per minute (WPM). Fifteen years ago, that would have seemed "cute." Nobody really needed to learn how to type except secretaries. Now, it's pretty cool (in a dorky sort of way) since just about everybody needs to learn how to type.

Since I've been typing for about 20 years, the question is whether or not I should relearn the whole process. There's a "new" typewriting method out there. (I stole this all from some blog, so bear with my plagiarism.) Apparently, the "qwerty" keyboard we all know and love was designed in the 1870's to prevent the typewriter keys from sticking together if you typed too quickly. In the 1930's some guy named Dvorak came up with his own keyboard layout that's simpler to use and faster to boot. (You can actually change your options on your computer to use the Dvorak keyboard.) The question is: should I switch?

The biggest problem with switching (as I see it) is that I won't be able to see the new keyboard. You can switch your computer keyboard, but all it does is reconfigure the keys. So when you type an "s" on your keyboard, an "o" will appear on the screen. But if you can't remember where the "o" is? You're going to have to type a bunch of keys until you figure it out. (Of course, you could just print off a copy of the Dvorak keyboard and use that as a reminder, but that's no fun.)

The biggest advantage to switching? No, it's not the time savings or even the reduced risk of carpal tunnel syndrome. The biggest advantage is that it'll annoy people. Have you ever worked on a project with someone who insists on showing you something on your computer? They steal your mouse or strike your keyboard. Well, if they try to use my keyboard, they'll be in some serious trouble. Mostly, though, it'll annoy The Wife. We use the same computer at home and I'm sure she'd be extremely pissed if her keys were all mixed up. In fact, that almost guarantees that I'll switch. After all, what is marriage if not a never-ending quest to find new and better ways to annoy the person you love the most?

Thursday night was the first company outing I’ve had at LAF, and I must say that it was a pretty good time. The ride home sucked, but the rest of the evening was great.

I work in a group of about 30-40 people, 25 of which went out last night. First of all, I was highly impressed by that turnout. At some of my prior jobs, if you got half the people to show up, you were lucky. Of course, it didn’t hurt that (a) the plans involved dinner and a comedy show in Chicago and (b) most of the people who work here are in their 20s or 30s and live in the city. For some reason, I feel very old at this place since I live way out in the suburbs, am married and have a kid. It makes me feel all “grown up.” I guess there’s a first for everything. The sad part? It’s only going to get worse from here on out.

Anyway, the plan was to go to dinner and then watch a comedy show at The Second City, which is in the Old Town section of Chicago. For dinner, we hit a Mongolian BBQ in Old Town. In case you don't know what a Mongolian BBQ is, it's an all-you-can-eat asian food place where you put together all the ingredients. It's actually way more confusing than I like my meals to be. First you choose your rice or noodle type. Then you stand in line at a "salad bar" type of thing choosing your toppings. This is one of the more ridiculous concepts I've ever heard of. I just kept throwing things on there. All I knew is that I wanted to avoid broccoli. In that respect, I succeeded. But did I actually create something tasty? Not so much. And this is why I'm not a chef at a Chinese restaurant

The funny part about the event was that I was in the first group of people to arrive. We all sat down and the waitress asked what we'd like to drink. We all looked around like a bunch of boobs and waited for somebody to say the magic words: "I'll have a beer." But nobody did. So we all ordered sodas or waters. One of the next arrivals to the BBQ was on the planning committee. And when she ordered a beer, it was suddenly party time (excellent). Our table suddenly became a Kennedy Family Reunion. "Beer here!" "I'll have one too." "Got any scotch?"

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but my old buddy from M&S, Rick, is my new "buddy" here at LAF. You see, at LAF they assign you a "buddy" to help you through the transition process. They tell you all the cool things, like where you can score some wicked cool ballpoint pens and legal pads! Anyway, Rick, who's only been at LAF for about 4 months, was sitting next to me at dinner. A couple of times, I thought about changing seats. Rick made some rather inappropriate comments that just made me cringe. (Now, if you know me, I'm usually the one making the cringe-worthy comments. So imagine how bad they must have been for me to cringe.) Most of the comments were about dating or women or minorities. If he said those things to me and friends, it would have been fine. But it's not the type of stuff you say to co-workers.

Of course, Rick seemed like FDR next to a man I'd like to call Belgium. I don't know much about Belgium. He's European. He's a jackass. That's about all I need to know. During dinner, he gave the waitress an unusually hard time about their beer selection. Apparently, he wanted a Belgian beer. And he was on the verge of yelling because Blue Moon and Fat Tire are American Belgian beers. Not only did he want a Belgian-styled beer, he wanted one directly from Belgium. Apparently, this guy thought we were in Europe somewhere. Honestly, we're at an ASIAN restaurant in CHICAGO. And he wants an imported Belgian beer? And that's just one of the moronic things he did. I don't have time to list the others.

Anyway, after dinner, we headed to the Second City for more drinks. Oh, and some comedy. The performers were pretty good. But there's a good reason you won't be seeing these guys on Saturday Night Live anytime soon. And that's saying something because SNL has been sucking pretty hard for awhile now.

I had to leave the event early because I was taking the train home. I left at 9:00, hoping to catch the 9:38 train at the Clybourne stop. I left at intermission, about 15 minutes earlier than I had planned, so I decided to walk the 2 miles. I had nothing better to do. So, I headed down North Avenue to the Clybourne station. (I should say that I've never been to the Clybourne station, but I'd driven by it numerous times when I lived in the city.) On my way, I hit Clybourne, which is a diagonal street. I love diagonal streets. They save you SO much time. Except, of course, when the diagonal in question doesn't take you where you want to go.

You see, the Clybourne stop doesn't actually intersect with Clybourne. I knew this, but I clearly wasn't thinking. It might have had something to do with all the free booze. But I ended up walking about half a mile too far down Clybourne before I realized I'd screwed up. Realizing my error (and my tight timeframe), I started jogging back in the right direction. Yes, you read that right. I started jogging. I'm way overweight and haven't worked out in months. So I'm jogging in my workclothes (and shoes). Only good things can come of this.

I eventually got back on track and ended up jogging about a mile to the train stop. I ran up the stairs only to see the train pulling out of the station. The next train? It comes an hour later. (By the way, that diagonal was a great short cut, making me jog an unnecessary mile and making me miss my train. I love diagonals!) So I was stuck at the (outdoor) Clybourne station with nothing to do but rub my blisters and rue my idiocy. But other than that, it was a GREAT night.