Thursday, December 08, 2005
And Then There Was One....
Today is a marvellous day here in Chicagoland. It's about 15 degrees out. It's supposed to snow this afternoon. And I've got to drive my BFT (the "B" stands for "big," the "T" for "truck," I'll let you guess what the "F" stands for) downtown today. And why is this a good thing? Because once I get downtown, I get to take my LAST final of the semester. Hooray!
I realized recently that I've officially become a suburbanite because I no longer like driving downtown. I don't mind driving into the city itself. I know a lot of people who think the highways end at the Chicago city limit, as if there were a gang of minorities (pick your least favorite) waiting on the Kennedy or Stevenson (two of our wonderfully Democratically-named highways) to carjack you.
"Get out of the car, old lady! I'm going to slowly get away from you in this crazy traffic! And you'd better stay where you are, cuz if you start walking, you'll actually catch us!"
Okay, I'm sure that's not how gang members talk. I don't know how they talk. I'm a suburban dork. For some reason, I picture them talking with WASP-y accents. "Yo, Mortimer, could I bother you to put a cap in his behind, please?"
I think I started hating driving downtown once I got the BFT. The damn thing is over 20 feet long. It's hard to negotiate all the one-way streets with insane drivers all over the place in a boat like that. In the good old days of my Jeep, I had no problem with it. But now that I have the BFT, I like to stick to the non-Loop sections of the city.
The other problem with driving the BFT in the city is trying to find a parking spot. It can be hellacious to say the least. The Jeep was great because it was about 5 feet long, so it could fit into any spot. And on snowy days like today, I could launch it over the mounds of snow left in the plow's wake. I could do the same thing in the BFT, but I'm likely to land the tailgate on the car behind me. But I do love the BFT so much. If only because the heated leather seats make my ass feel so nice and cozy! Anyway, back to my final....
My last final today is in Finance. I love Finance. If I were crossing a busy street with an Accountant and a Financial Analyst, I would push the Accountant in front of a bus to stop traffic so the FA and I could get across the street and put down a few Jack and Cokes. Here's what I love about Finance people. They have a moderate knowledge of Accounting, enough to get by on. They have personalities. Well enough to get by on. They can make lots of money, more than enough to get by on. That's the part I like most.
I'm trying to think of a way to explain the Finance course I'm taking without boring you to death. And I can't. So let's pretend it involves stunt men who jump over busses on motorcycles. And let's further pretend that the busses each cost $10,000. And the motorcycle costs $500. If the stunt man jumps 10 busses, crashes his motorcycle, breaks 10 bones (including both hips), and is in the hospital for 6 months, was the stunt worth it? The correct answer is: how many chicks did he get out of it?
Wouldn't it be great if Finance courses were like that? If I ever taught a math class, that's the type of questions I'd have on my exams. Students would love it or hate it. I couldn't care less. Anyway, tonight's final should be cake. The class is great in that all you have to do for it is show up for the lectures. That's basically the entire class. Can you memorize 7 weeks of lectures for the final? Sure, why not?
The bad part, of course, is that I really haven't learned anything in this class. I have mixed feelings about classes like these. On the one hand, it's nice to have an easy class where you don't have to do a lot of work. On the other hand, I'm PAYING for this. Shouldn't I pay for a class where I'm going to learn something? I suppose all I'm paying for here is a piece of paper that says "MBA." (It'd be nice if it said my name on it somewhere.) So, whatever it takes to get it, right?
I realized recently that I've officially become a suburbanite because I no longer like driving downtown. I don't mind driving into the city itself. I know a lot of people who think the highways end at the Chicago city limit, as if there were a gang of minorities (pick your least favorite) waiting on the Kennedy or Stevenson (two of our wonderfully Democratically-named highways) to carjack you.
"Get out of the car, old lady! I'm going to slowly get away from you in this crazy traffic! And you'd better stay where you are, cuz if you start walking, you'll actually catch us!"
Okay, I'm sure that's not how gang members talk. I don't know how they talk. I'm a suburban dork. For some reason, I picture them talking with WASP-y accents. "Yo, Mortimer, could I bother you to put a cap in his behind, please?"
I think I started hating driving downtown once I got the BFT. The damn thing is over 20 feet long. It's hard to negotiate all the one-way streets with insane drivers all over the place in a boat like that. In the good old days of my Jeep, I had no problem with it. But now that I have the BFT, I like to stick to the non-Loop sections of the city.
The other problem with driving the BFT in the city is trying to find a parking spot. It can be hellacious to say the least. The Jeep was great because it was about 5 feet long, so it could fit into any spot. And on snowy days like today, I could launch it over the mounds of snow left in the plow's wake. I could do the same thing in the BFT, but I'm likely to land the tailgate on the car behind me. But I do love the BFT so much. If only because the heated leather seats make my ass feel so nice and cozy! Anyway, back to my final....
My last final today is in Finance. I love Finance. If I were crossing a busy street with an Accountant and a Financial Analyst, I would push the Accountant in front of a bus to stop traffic so the FA and I could get across the street and put down a few Jack and Cokes. Here's what I love about Finance people. They have a moderate knowledge of Accounting, enough to get by on. They have personalities. Well enough to get by on. They can make lots of money, more than enough to get by on. That's the part I like most.
I'm trying to think of a way to explain the Finance course I'm taking without boring you to death. And I can't. So let's pretend it involves stunt men who jump over busses on motorcycles. And let's further pretend that the busses each cost $10,000. And the motorcycle costs $500. If the stunt man jumps 10 busses, crashes his motorcycle, breaks 10 bones (including both hips), and is in the hospital for 6 months, was the stunt worth it? The correct answer is: how many chicks did he get out of it?
Wouldn't it be great if Finance courses were like that? If I ever taught a math class, that's the type of questions I'd have on my exams. Students would love it or hate it. I couldn't care less. Anyway, tonight's final should be cake. The class is great in that all you have to do for it is show up for the lectures. That's basically the entire class. Can you memorize 7 weeks of lectures for the final? Sure, why not?
The bad part, of course, is that I really haven't learned anything in this class. I have mixed feelings about classes like these. On the one hand, it's nice to have an easy class where you don't have to do a lot of work. On the other hand, I'm PAYING for this. Shouldn't I pay for a class where I'm going to learn something? I suppose all I'm paying for here is a piece of paper that says "MBA." (It'd be nice if it said my name on it somewhere.) So, whatever it takes to get it, right?
Monday, December 05, 2005
Westworld, HO!!!
This morning, as I watching my son crawl all over the house, I watched the classic sci-fi movie Westworld. In my opinion, there's no better way to study for a final than to watch a cheesy movie from the 70s. I'm sure my wife would agree....
I love watching movies. Absolutely love it. I signed up for Netflix a few years ago when I was unemployed. Watching movies was the best way to spend a day. Even better than looking for a job! Netflix has actually caused some tension in my marriage because I tend to watch movies without telling The Wife. Then I return them and she complains because she didn't get a chance to watch a blockbuster like Logan's Run. (Of course, after watching a movie for 10 minutes, she gets bored and starts baking cookies or something, so I don't feel too bad about it.)
Tivo has actually helped my Netflix problem, believe it or not. The Wife's viewing is now almost entirely consumed by HGTV and TLC (dutifully recorded on Tivo, of course). She now concedes that she doesn't have time to watch my bad movies. I think there's a victory for me in there somewhere.
I'd heard a lot of good things about Westworld. Okay, mainly I just heard that Yul Brenner plays a robot cowboy. What more do you need? How about James Brolin playing a human cowboy? Or Dick Van Patten playing a sheriff? Anyway, the plot of Westworld is that in the not-too-distant future, a company designs a vacation resort where you can experience life like it was in either Romeworld (ancient Rome), Medievalworld (basically, England circa 14th century), or Westworld (the wild west). These worlds are populated by robots that are very humanlike. And like all humans, they eventually turn evil and try to kill everybody.
This plot might sound familiar to you. The Simpsons parodied it in the classic episode Itchy and Scratchy Land. At the time, I thought that episode was more a spoof of Jurassic Park. But as I watched Westworld, I realized just how similar the two movies were. I mean, it's basically the exact same movie with Yul Brenner playing the Tyrannasaurus Rex. (It might seem like quite a stretch for Yul, but remember, he played the King of Siam. That's in Asia. Yul? He looks about as Asian as he does Reptilian.)
As I was watching Westworld, I started to get annoyed at Michael Crichton. I mean, I couldn't believe that he totally ripped off the poor soul who wrote Westworld, and he managed to parlay that into worldwide renown just because he used dinosaurs instead of washed up actors. So, I went to imdb.com to find out who wrote Westworld. Turns out that it was none other than Michael Crichton. Now I'm doubly pissed. Not only did Crichton rip off a crappy author, but he ripped off himself!
And as great a job as Crichton did writing Westworld, he did an even better job directing it. There are some absolutely wonderful scenes in this movie, which makes me wonder why Crichton didn't have a more distinguished directing career. My favorite was the bar fight. I'm sure you're familiar with bar fights in Westerns. Try to think of the most cliche bar fight ever. What does it need? People getting thrown onto tables, breaking them? Check. People getting slid down the top of the bar? Check. Prostitutes hitting people over the head with bottles? Check. Chair through the mirror? Check. The town drunk in the corner not fighting until someone breaks his whiskey bottle? Check. Someone breaking through the second floor banister and landing on a table? Check. And the best part of all? Every time a bottle or table broke? Slow motion! Yes! It's the perfect fight scene!
Another item I gleaned from imdb.com is that they're slated to produce a new version of Westworld in 2007. I didn't see if any actors or directors have signed on to star, but people are already suggesting people for various roles. I saw that someone actually requested that Vin Diesel play Yul Brenner. Yeah, that seems like a perfect fit. A bald guy who can't act. Sign him now! That's the best way to ensure that the new Westworld keeps the right amount of cheese.
I love watching movies. Absolutely love it. I signed up for Netflix a few years ago when I was unemployed. Watching movies was the best way to spend a day. Even better than looking for a job! Netflix has actually caused some tension in my marriage because I tend to watch movies without telling The Wife. Then I return them and she complains because she didn't get a chance to watch a blockbuster like Logan's Run. (Of course, after watching a movie for 10 minutes, she gets bored and starts baking cookies or something, so I don't feel too bad about it.)
Tivo has actually helped my Netflix problem, believe it or not. The Wife's viewing is now almost entirely consumed by HGTV and TLC (dutifully recorded on Tivo, of course). She now concedes that she doesn't have time to watch my bad movies. I think there's a victory for me in there somewhere.
I'd heard a lot of good things about Westworld. Okay, mainly I just heard that Yul Brenner plays a robot cowboy. What more do you need? How about James Brolin playing a human cowboy? Or Dick Van Patten playing a sheriff? Anyway, the plot of Westworld is that in the not-too-distant future, a company designs a vacation resort where you can experience life like it was in either Romeworld (ancient Rome), Medievalworld (basically, England circa 14th century), or Westworld (the wild west). These worlds are populated by robots that are very humanlike. And like all humans, they eventually turn evil and try to kill everybody.
This plot might sound familiar to you. The Simpsons parodied it in the classic episode Itchy and Scratchy Land. At the time, I thought that episode was more a spoof of Jurassic Park. But as I watched Westworld, I realized just how similar the two movies were. I mean, it's basically the exact same movie with Yul Brenner playing the Tyrannasaurus Rex. (It might seem like quite a stretch for Yul, but remember, he played the King of Siam. That's in Asia. Yul? He looks about as Asian as he does Reptilian.)
As I was watching Westworld, I started to get annoyed at Michael Crichton. I mean, I couldn't believe that he totally ripped off the poor soul who wrote Westworld, and he managed to parlay that into worldwide renown just because he used dinosaurs instead of washed up actors. So, I went to imdb.com to find out who wrote Westworld. Turns out that it was none other than Michael Crichton. Now I'm doubly pissed. Not only did Crichton rip off a crappy author, but he ripped off himself!
And as great a job as Crichton did writing Westworld, he did an even better job directing it. There are some absolutely wonderful scenes in this movie, which makes me wonder why Crichton didn't have a more distinguished directing career. My favorite was the bar fight. I'm sure you're familiar with bar fights in Westerns. Try to think of the most cliche bar fight ever. What does it need? People getting thrown onto tables, breaking them? Check. People getting slid down the top of the bar? Check. Prostitutes hitting people over the head with bottles? Check. Chair through the mirror? Check. The town drunk in the corner not fighting until someone breaks his whiskey bottle? Check. Someone breaking through the second floor banister and landing on a table? Check. And the best part of all? Every time a bottle or table broke? Slow motion! Yes! It's the perfect fight scene!
Another item I gleaned from imdb.com is that they're slated to produce a new version of Westworld in 2007. I didn't see if any actors or directors have signed on to star, but people are already suggesting people for various roles. I saw that someone actually requested that Vin Diesel play Yul Brenner. Yeah, that seems like a perfect fit. A bald guy who can't act. Sign him now! That's the best way to ensure that the new Westworld keeps the right amount of cheese.
