Saturday, April 08, 2006
I Hate This Diet (Part 1)
All right, this diet completely blows. (I don't think that will be the last time I start a blog entry like that. Which is why this is titled "I Hate This Diet (Part 1)." I fully expect to write this every morning for the next month.) Being a vegan is possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. But on the bright side, I lost another 0.4 pounds. That's a three-day weight loss of 2.8 pounds, bringing me down to a lean and trim 191.2. By my conservative estimates, that leaves me just 20 pounds overweight. And I guarantee that if I continue living as a vegan, I'll make that weight in 2 months. That's because I'll hang myself after the first month and the decomposition will take care of everything.
My main problem with being a vegan? Finding something good to eat. It's nearly impossible to find something that isn't made with milk, eggs, or butter. And do you know why? They're all delicious. Right now, I could even drink an egg and butter milkshake. I'm dying over here! Of course, I have nobody to blame but myself. (And I have more than enough people reminding me of that fact.)
One of the drawbacks of this diet is that I'm always hungry. In fact, I'm often starving. For some reason, it doesn't matter just how many veggies I eat, I always want more. This is probably my brain's way of saying, "Hey stupid, you could eat an entire greenhouse and not get as many calories as a Big Mac. Go to McDonalds, ya moron." Personally, I think my brain is stupid (and I'm not the only one, but I don't have the time to go into that now).
The problem is that my brain is too used to getting meat and bad carbs. Not to mention fat. It craves the stuff. I think that if I can just last another week, I'll be in the clear. My body's not used to the abrupt change I'm giving it and it's in revolt. In fact, this morning, I distinctly heard horsehooves in my throat and something yelling "The veggies are coming! The veggies are coming!" Before long, I expect a civil war (with many cannons ablazing) in my belly.
Tomorrow's going to be difficult. It's my nephew/godson's 4th birthday part. Since we're Italians from Chicago, I'm guessing there's going to be Italian Beef sandwiches. Or maybe Italian sausage. Two of my favorites. Given that I'm trying to cut back on breads and grains, I won't even be able to eat the pasta there. But that's not the worst of it. The absolute worst is going to be dessert. I have a bit of a sweet tooth. In fact, I think all of my teeth are sweet. I love cake. I love ice cream. And my absolute favorite dessert in the whole world? You guessed it, ice cream cake. I doubt there'll be ice cream cake there tomorrow, but if there is, I'm just going to shoot myself.
The only positive about tomorrow is that I don't think my family knows about my stupid veganism yet. If they did, there's no chance in hell there'd be a salad. And there'd be chocolate chip cookies (my second favorite dessert) planted all over my brother's house. (Again, how can vegans think chocolate chip cookies are evil? They're just the simplest, most wonderful thing ever. But the vegans have to hate everything fun and good in life. So they go and make egg-less, butter-less, milk-chocolate-less cookies. And they eat these terrible things and convince themselves that they're actually doing the world good by being vegans. I just wish all the vegans would jump off a bridge already.) Yeah, this is going to be a great month.
My main problem with being a vegan? Finding something good to eat. It's nearly impossible to find something that isn't made with milk, eggs, or butter. And do you know why? They're all delicious. Right now, I could even drink an egg and butter milkshake. I'm dying over here! Of course, I have nobody to blame but myself. (And I have more than enough people reminding me of that fact.)
One of the drawbacks of this diet is that I'm always hungry. In fact, I'm often starving. For some reason, it doesn't matter just how many veggies I eat, I always want more. This is probably my brain's way of saying, "Hey stupid, you could eat an entire greenhouse and not get as many calories as a Big Mac. Go to McDonalds, ya moron." Personally, I think my brain is stupid (and I'm not the only one, but I don't have the time to go into that now).
The problem is that my brain is too used to getting meat and bad carbs. Not to mention fat. It craves the stuff. I think that if I can just last another week, I'll be in the clear. My body's not used to the abrupt change I'm giving it and it's in revolt. In fact, this morning, I distinctly heard horsehooves in my throat and something yelling "The veggies are coming! The veggies are coming!" Before long, I expect a civil war (with many cannons ablazing) in my belly.
Tomorrow's going to be difficult. It's my nephew/godson's 4th birthday part. Since we're Italians from Chicago, I'm guessing there's going to be Italian Beef sandwiches. Or maybe Italian sausage. Two of my favorites. Given that I'm trying to cut back on breads and grains, I won't even be able to eat the pasta there. But that's not the worst of it. The absolute worst is going to be dessert. I have a bit of a sweet tooth. In fact, I think all of my teeth are sweet. I love cake. I love ice cream. And my absolute favorite dessert in the whole world? You guessed it, ice cream cake. I doubt there'll be ice cream cake there tomorrow, but if there is, I'm just going to shoot myself.
The only positive about tomorrow is that I don't think my family knows about my stupid veganism yet. If they did, there's no chance in hell there'd be a salad. And there'd be chocolate chip cookies (my second favorite dessert) planted all over my brother's house. (Again, how can vegans think chocolate chip cookies are evil? They're just the simplest, most wonderful thing ever. But the vegans have to hate everything fun and good in life. So they go and make egg-less, butter-less, milk-chocolate-less cookies. And they eat these terrible things and convince themselves that they're actually doing the world good by being vegans. I just wish all the vegans would jump off a bridge already.) Yeah, this is going to be a great month.
