The Dow Is Up!

Apparently, my in-depth analysis of the Simpsons tournament evoked a bit of scorn, mostly related to (a) what a dork I am and (b) that I have so much time on my hands.

Well, here's the deal. I AM a dork. No getting around it. I do MATH PROBLEMS for a LIVING! I have contempt for accountants because their math is too EASY. I mean, all they do is add and subtract! Try taking the present value of something! Then make it a risk-adjusted present value, you weenies! So, really, it should come as no surprise that I like The Simpsons. It should also come as no surprise that I have a plethora of Simpsons quotes running through my brain. And it should also come as no surprise that I'd have to do a blow-by-blow analysis of a Simpsons tournament.

Now, as for the time issue, I seem to have TONS of time on my hands right now. I had two major projects that had to get done before I went on vacation two weeks ago. I got them done (and it took up most of my time in the preceding two weeks), and now there isn't much for me to do. I've volunteered for more work, but I have to wait for some projects to come in. So, naturally, I used that time to do whatever I could do to get ahead at work. Like write about The Simpsons.

Anyway, my workload should be a little lighter this summer. Which is good. Hopefully, I'll be able to start writing more on my blog. It's been rather pathetic lately. I've got a lot to talk about. I've got stories from a bachelor party in Vegas, a random meeting that just helps prove what a small world we live in, many vacation stories, and the fact that I'm now 2 for 2 in giving my children their first giggles. Oh, and I've got this pesky triathlon thing coming up. And I can't run because my feet hurt because I need orthotics but my insurance company rejected my claim, giving The Wife a heart attack in the process, but now they're supposed to be accepting my claim, so until then I walk around in constant pain while my doctor holds my orthotics and we both silently (or not) curse the insurance company. Yep, much to talk about. Especially my love of run-on sentences. And fragments.

Redeye, the Chicago Tribune’s newspaper for people with ADD, is running a “tournament” where you can vote for your favorite Simpsons character. Naturally, I was interested. It’s set up in bracket format, with two characters pitted against each other. You vote for which one you like best and the character with the most votes advances to the second round. And so on until there’s one winner. Much like The Highlander, there can be only one.

First of all, this contest is flawed. I have no doubt in my mind that Homer will win. And the reason is simple. For the most part, the show is all about Homer and how stupid he is. I’m fine with that. Hell, I love it. But do you really care if people think Homer’s the best character? The INTERESTING question is who’s the best non-Simpsons character. (That is, not Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa or Maggie. Grampa (or Abe) doesn’t qualify as a Simpson for these purposes.)

Second, it’s hard to take the tournament seriously when it doesn’t include (a) Lionel Hutz, (b) Eddie and Lou (the cops), (c) Agnes Skinner, (d) Disco Stu, (e) Gil, (f) Jasper, (g) Cletus or (h) Hans Moleman.

But it’s not my tournament. So I have to play by their rules. As much as I don’t like them. In case you want to be an informed voter, here’s my analysis of the entire first round (which concludes on Friday). (By the way, I apologize to all but the two Simpsons fans that read this blog for the length and boringness (it's a word) of this entry.)

1. Homer vs. Patty and Selma

This pairing is completely unfair. Homer will destroy Patty and Selma. And that's fine because Patty and Selma are two of the worst characters on the show. Though Selma's marriage to Troy McClure was one of the best of all time. Two of the best quotes from Patty and Selma: (1) "I think I've got carpal tunnel syndrom from scratching my ass (at work) all day." (2) "There are some days we don't let the lines (at the DMV) move at all. We call those weekdays."

Homer is in a class by himself. He's provided us with numerous great episodes and great quotes. If I had to pick just two, they'd be (1) "Brain, you don't like me and I don't like you. But just get me through this (exam) and I'll drown you with beer." (2) "Boy (Bart), I know you can read MY mind. (To the Meow Mix theme) Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow."

2. Ned Flanders vs. Rev. Lovejoy

This is actually one of the closest matchups, in my mind. I'm not overly enthused about either character. Rev. Lovejoy doesn't do much. The only great line he had was when he told Ned to stop bothering him and try a different religion. "They're all basically the same."

Ned got my vote my default. Probably because I find myself saying "Okalydokaly" every once in awhile.

3. Mayor Quimby vs. Maggie Simpson

Another no-brainer. Maggie adds nothing to the show but the occasional sight-gag of tripping. Although her feud with the unibrow baby in rather amusing. Mayor Quimby ("Vote Quimby") is one of the best characters on the show. It'll be interesting to see who he's matched up with in the next round. Best quote from Diamond Joe? How about "Are these people getting dumber or louder?"

4. Chief Wiggum vs. Sideshow Bob

This was a tough call for me. I'm a big fan of Sideshow Bob, but he's only in one episode a year. And the last episode (in Italy with his murderous child) was a rather weak attempt. So I'm going with Chief Clancy Wiggum. Bob's best episode was clearly the Cape Fear takeoff. "And don't you have a tattoo on your chest that says 'Die Bart Die'?" "No, that's German for "The Bart The." This episode, of course, introduced us to Bob's longtime nemesis, the rake.

Chief Wiggum has been a solid character for years. His bumbling, Jimmy Cagney impression is always good for a laugh. I think his best episode was Who Shot Mr. Burns? (As he's looking at Homer J. Simpson's name upside down) "Useless R. Dewoh -- better check Greektown."

5. Mr. Burns vs. Otto Mann

I'm a little disappointed that I didn't know Otto's last name was Mann. Please allow me a minute to recover from this lack of trivial knowledge. All right. Time to move on. This one goes to the old fogey without a doubt. Otto's a great character, but he's really not a central one. He provides bit laughs here and there and had one of the best quotes ever: (At an AA meeting) "My name is Otto and I love to get blotto."

But this round clearly goes to Mr. Burns. He should win alone for his introduction of the word "crapulence" (as in "Smithers refused to let me wallow in my own crapulence) into every day vocabulary. (Okay, my every day.) What I love about Burns is that his insults tend to be of the loquacious variety. To wit, while telling Homer he couldn't have been the one to shoot Mr. Burns, "Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable thumbs." Other great quotes: "This fog is so thick I can't see my own cataracts." And "Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!"

6. Milhouse vs. Waylon Smithers

Another tough choice. Milhouse has had few episodes center on him, and the ones that have have been subpar at best. (Unless you count the Radioactive Man episode, which was fantastic. "Real acid?") Smithers really hasn't had too many episodes center on him either. He's usually just chiming in about how much he loves Mr. Burns.

Ultimately, I went with Milhouse. The Radioactive Man episode probably pushed him over the top. That and his "Everything's coming up Milhouse" quote. I can't even think of a good Smithers quote. Though I did enjoy this exchange between him and Mr. Burns (with an assist from Hans Moleman) at the Sprinfield Film Festival.

Crowd: "Boo."

MB: "Smithers, are they booing me?"

WS: "No, they're saying Boo-urns."

MB: "Were you saying 'boo' or 'Boo-urns'?"

Crowd: "Boo!"

Hans Moleman: "I was saying 'Boo-urns.'"

7. Ralph Wiggum vs. Professor Frink

I thought this was an unfair contest. Professor Frink is a great character, but he's simply no match for Ralph. Ralph has the BEST one-liners because they're so random, like "My cat's breath smells like cat food." Beyond the occasional "Glavin," Frink doesn't have many quotes. Though I did enjoy his cameo at the end of the 22 Short Films About Springfield episode. "Am I too late?"

Since I have nothing else to add here, I might as well give some of my favorite Ralph quotes. "Me fail English? That's unpossible." "You choo-choo-choose me. It's got a picture of a train and it says 'choo'."

8. Lisa Simpson vs. Nelson Muntz

This one was easy for me. Lisa is just the most annoying character on the show. If the episode revolves around her, I guarantee you, it'll suck. Nelson, on the other hand, gave us the classic "Smell you later," which led to Ralph telling Bart (in the future), "Smell you later, Bart! Smell you later forever!" Nelson also gave us his inimitable laugh. Nelson is quite simply high comedy. His interaction with the tall guy in the small car in 22 Short Films is one of the best in Simpsons history. "Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. This was the largest auto I could afford. Am I therefore to be made the subject of fun?" "I guess so."

I refuse to give a good Lisa quote on the grounds that I don't think there is one.

9. Marge Simpson vs. Fat Tony

This was a tough vote for me. Ultimately, I went for Marge for being more consistent and more "present." (Again, this is why I wanted all Simpsons banned from the tournament.) Fat Tony has given us great quotes like, "I don't get angry, I get stabby."

Marge, though, is such a key character. I'm generally not a fan of episodes that center around her. But the one with her fear of flying was rather funny. Plus, she's the perfect foil for Homer. She's the straight man. She's the Abbott to Homer's Costello. Sure, she's a bit uppity, but that's okay. She's a mother for pete's sake. Of course, as Abbott, she really doesn't have any good quotes (which is my way of saying that I couldn't think of any off the top of my head).

10. Krusty the Clown vs. Kent Brockman

This one clearly goes to Hershel Krustofsky. Kent Brockman is quite amusing, but only in small doses. I think the most exposure he ever got was in the episode where he won the lottery (when Mr. Burns rescues Santas Little Helper). Honestly, I'm a little surprised that Kent Brockman made the list. Who on earth would pick him? Lionel Hutz should be here. I think Krusty still wins, but it's a LOT closer.

Krusty, by the way, has been pretty solid. He was involved in one of the single best episodes, when he has a gambling problem (and Homer subsequently becomes a part-time Krusty). "You picked the Washington Generals to win?" "I thought they were due. Come on! He's using a ladder! Just take the ball!"

11. Moe Szyslack vs. Troy McClure

Probably the closest contest in the first round. Moe's pretty classic, but he's only good in small doses. The episodes where he's had to carry the load (like when he finds a girlfriend in Helen Hunt or when he "adopts" Maggie and maybe even the Flaming Moe episode) haven't really been that great. Still, Moe's always good for a line or two.

As for Troy, he was only featured in one episode, but WHAT AN EPISODE! Of course, I'm referring to the one where he married Selma. "Might I take thine danty hoof in marriage?" Besides, who can forget his classic, "You might remember me from such films as...." When you factor in that they didn't include Lionel Hutz and that Phil Hartman is now dead, I have to vote for Smellin' of Troy.

12. Grampa Simpson vs. Itchy and Scratchy

Honestly, how did Itchy and Scratchy get in this tournament. They're amusing in their cartoons, but there's no depth to the characters. Hell, they're cartoon characters in a cartoon. That's like having an imaginary friend who has his OWN imaginary friend. Of course, that provides great opportunities for satire, but this isn't about satire. It's about the best characters. And if you don't count the Itchy and Scratchy Land episode as having anything to do with the characters of Itchy and Scratchy, they provide very little to the show.

Grampa, on the other hand, is awesome. He's always around for one liners ("I'm full of piss and vinegar. I used to just be full of vinegar.") And the episodes that have focused on him, like the Flying Hellfish or the one where he marries Mrs. Bouvier, are great. In fact, Abe is such a good character that I might have to revisit my rule about letting him into my tournament to begin with.

13. Bart Simpson vs. Principal Skinner

Do I really need to write anything here? Bart is the clear victor. Skinner's a good character, but come on. He's actually turned into a bit of a weenie lately. Even more so. His best lines are from 22 Short Films (the whole bit about hamburgers being called "baked hams") and the episode where Quimby's nephew's on trial. "I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. You're ass is mine. Yes, I can think words I'd never say." And his Nam flashbacks are usually rather amusing send-ups of Viet Nam movies like The Deerhunter.

Bart? He's the devil in all of us. "We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!" And of course, the Itchy and Scratchy Land episode while taking pictures (and thus killing) the evil robots: "Hey mouse. Say cheese. With a cool, dry wit like that, I could be an action movie star." (Followed by Homer saying, "Die! Evil! Robot! Die! With a cool, dry wit like that..." before being interrupted.)

14. Groundskeeper Willie vs. Barney

I had to go with Barney Gumble on this one. Even if they turned him sober. Although, it looks like he's back to being a drunk. I think they switch him from sober to drunk depending on what sort of gag they need. Groundskeeper Willie is good in doses, but he's not great. "Ain't nothing can outrun a greased Scotsman."

Barney's got more depth and had more episodes focus on him. Hell, the episode where Homer becomes an astronaut wouldn't have been half as good without Barney. "Oh no. It. Begins!" ("I don't get it. This is nonalcoholic champaign.") Besides, Barney is such a fixture of Moe's (and usually provides the comedy therein): "If you didn't close (Moe's), I'd never leave!"

15. Comic Book Guy vs. Apu

This was a VERY tough call. Comic Book Guy is a very shallow character, but he's also the most sarcastic. And sarcasm goes pretty far in my book. I might even quote (or semi-quote) him the most often with "Worst (blank) ever."

Apu's character has been developed more. I'm not thrilled with him getting married and having 8 kids, but he's still quite amusing. The Who Needs the KwikiMart episode is a classic. ("Why don't you just shut up! I don't understand why you do not shut up!") And besides, Indian accents are always funny. So my vote is for Apu. (As Comic Book Guy would say, "Now I will return to my store where I'm the one who dispenses the sarcasm.")

16. Lenny and Carl vs. Dr. Nick Riviera

I had to go with Lenny and Carl because of how often they show up. They don't always provide much, but they serve a genuine purpose. Besides, the Simpson family's inexplicable devotion to Lenny has been one of the most amusing running gags of the last few years. Unfortunately, I can't think of any good Lenny/Carl quotes. I must be getting exhausted from all this writing.

Dr. Nick is a great character, but he has little depth. He just shows up to make stupid mistakes. Though his "Hi everybody!" is always in my mind when I send out mass emails. He's had some great lines over the years. "Did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?" "Well, if it isn't Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!"

And so that wraps up my analysis of the first round. The good news is that my second round analysis should go much faster. Unless I get more in-depth on my decision making. God help us all if that happens.