Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Long Live Actuarial Jokes
I'm sure you all know (all 3 of you anyway) that I used to be an actuary. The brief story is that I worked as a Pension Actuary for 5 years with one company before changing jobs and then promptly getting laid off. I haven't worked as an actuary since. And now I'm out for revenge. (With the right voice, this could be the beginning to an incredibly boring movie where I kill people by talking about mortality tables and interest theory.)
Since I last worked as an actuary, I worked as a quality engineer (which made me want to commit the ritualistic samurai suicide of seppuko every day), I started getting my MBA, and I interned with a small company doing basic spreadsheet work. I really didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up. Recently, I wrote about how I want to be a Portfolio Manager. Well, I've changed my mind. Again. Sort of.
One of my classes this semester is Applied Portfolio Management. We basically act like Portfolio Managers. We investigate industries and countries. We make recommendations about stocks. In fact, we even get to make our recommendation to the U of I Foundation, which handles U of I's endowment. So we might actually get a few bucks to play around with, which would be nice. (Which means, if you have a child who goes to U of I and you're wondering why tuition is so high, you can blame me for recommending that they throw all their money into MidgetWhores.com.)
My professor for APM is a weird little Korean lady. Very nice and funny, but a little kooky. Not that that's a bad thing. It's actually rather enjoyable. I mentioned to her that I'm a former actuary. She got all excited. (Honestly, who doesn't get excited when they first meet an actuary?) We started talking and she gave me a pamphlet about an upcoming sympsium for Investment Actuaries.
I know what you're asking: "Dow, what's the difference between a Pension Actuary and an Investment Actuary?" (Actually, you're probably asking yourself why you're still reading this stupid blog. I have no answer for you. You might want to see a psychiatrist.) Well, the easy answer is: one actuarial exam.
What do Investment Actuaries do? They basically act like Portfolio Managers for insurance companies and pension funds. In other words, if I just take one more actuarial exam, I can slide right into being an Investment Actuary. I can't say that I'm happy about the prospect of taking another actuarial exam. (If the worst exam you ever took was akin to getting a cavity filled, then an actuarial exam is like getting hemorroids removed by a drunken, blind, masochistic doctor.) But, the good news is that I can probably get hired now and then get paid to study for the exam after I'm hired.
My professor also sent me an article explaining how the finance community needs to know about actuaries because they can be useful in doing risk management for corporations. I plan on bringing this article with me to every career fair I go to.
So it looks like being an actuary might have paid off for me. I might actually get to do some Portfolio Management, like I want. I might even get to go back to being called an actuary, which would be sweet because then I could go back to telling actuarial jokes. Like what you ask? Well, I'll leave you with my all-time favorite. Then you'll have no doubt in your mind why I'm perfectly suited to being an actuary.
Two actuaries go deer hunting. After hours of sitting in the woods, a huge 10-point buck walks in front of them. They both pull out their rifles and fire. The first one misses by 6 feet to the left. The second one misses 6 feet to the right. The actuaries look at each other, give a high five and yell, "Bull's eye!"
Since I last worked as an actuary, I worked as a quality engineer (which made me want to commit the ritualistic samurai suicide of seppuko every day), I started getting my MBA, and I interned with a small company doing basic spreadsheet work. I really didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up. Recently, I wrote about how I want to be a Portfolio Manager. Well, I've changed my mind. Again. Sort of.
One of my classes this semester is Applied Portfolio Management. We basically act like Portfolio Managers. We investigate industries and countries. We make recommendations about stocks. In fact, we even get to make our recommendation to the U of I Foundation, which handles U of I's endowment. So we might actually get a few bucks to play around with, which would be nice. (Which means, if you have a child who goes to U of I and you're wondering why tuition is so high, you can blame me for recommending that they throw all their money into MidgetWhores.com.)
My professor for APM is a weird little Korean lady. Very nice and funny, but a little kooky. Not that that's a bad thing. It's actually rather enjoyable. I mentioned to her that I'm a former actuary. She got all excited. (Honestly, who doesn't get excited when they first meet an actuary?) We started talking and she gave me a pamphlet about an upcoming sympsium for Investment Actuaries.
I know what you're asking: "Dow, what's the difference between a Pension Actuary and an Investment Actuary?" (Actually, you're probably asking yourself why you're still reading this stupid blog. I have no answer for you. You might want to see a psychiatrist.) Well, the easy answer is: one actuarial exam.
What do Investment Actuaries do? They basically act like Portfolio Managers for insurance companies and pension funds. In other words, if I just take one more actuarial exam, I can slide right into being an Investment Actuary. I can't say that I'm happy about the prospect of taking another actuarial exam. (If the worst exam you ever took was akin to getting a cavity filled, then an actuarial exam is like getting hemorroids removed by a drunken, blind, masochistic doctor.) But, the good news is that I can probably get hired now and then get paid to study for the exam after I'm hired.
My professor also sent me an article explaining how the finance community needs to know about actuaries because they can be useful in doing risk management for corporations. I plan on bringing this article with me to every career fair I go to.
So it looks like being an actuary might have paid off for me. I might actually get to do some Portfolio Management, like I want. I might even get to go back to being called an actuary, which would be sweet because then I could go back to telling actuarial jokes. Like what you ask? Well, I'll leave you with my all-time favorite. Then you'll have no doubt in your mind why I'm perfectly suited to being an actuary.
Two actuaries go deer hunting. After hours of sitting in the woods, a huge 10-point buck walks in front of them. They both pull out their rifles and fire. The first one misses by 6 feet to the left. The second one misses 6 feet to the right. The actuaries look at each other, give a high five and yell, "Bull's eye!"
