Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Sleep? What’s That?
As The Wife has documented quite a bit on her blog, Luke has not been sleeping well lately. Which means that neither The Wife or I have been sleeping well either. (Of course, The Wife also has the joy of being 6-7 months pregnant to deal with.) Naturally, we’ve been trying to find solutions to this problem.
One of the people The Wife talks to mentioned that someone she knows got her PhD at age 22, and she stopped sleeping through the night at 4 months. I hate to seem rude, but I don’t want a kid that smart. Especially if it means less sleep for me. So I’ve decided to take some drastic measures. The first one is alcohol. Sure, I’m going to drink a lot more because I’m at my wit’s end. (Not a long way to go, by the way.) But I’m also going to be giving Luke a little more “Daddy juice” (a.k.a. Jack & Coke). I’ve been told that alcohol kills brain cells. Now I’m going to put it to the test.
In fact, I’m going to be slipping The Wife some booze as well. If Evangeline (nee C2) has the same issues as Luke does now, I think I might go for a drive to the liquor store and never come back. (By the way, if this blog entry seems more disjointed than usual, blame the lack of sleep. Not any inspiration from my 6th grade writings.)
The thing I love about people telling stories about children, though, is that they’re almost always positive. If I say that Luke sleeps 3 hours a night, someone will tell me that Albert Einstein did too. If I say that Luke rubs feces on the wall (not true – yet), then someone will say that Archimedes did the same thing. For once, I’d like to hear the opposite. So when Luke goes to the circus and likes the clowns, I want someone to bring up John Wayne Gacy’s infatuation with them. Or when Luke gives the dog a hug, mention that Hitler loved dogs too.
And so from now on, I think that will be my role in life. No more coddling, no more optimism. I’m going to try to present the worst-case scenario I can think of. Because honestly, I think that’s a lot more fun.
One of the people The Wife talks to mentioned that someone she knows got her PhD at age 22, and she stopped sleeping through the night at 4 months. I hate to seem rude, but I don’t want a kid that smart. Especially if it means less sleep for me. So I’ve decided to take some drastic measures. The first one is alcohol. Sure, I’m going to drink a lot more because I’m at my wit’s end. (Not a long way to go, by the way.) But I’m also going to be giving Luke a little more “Daddy juice” (a.k.a. Jack & Coke). I’ve been told that alcohol kills brain cells. Now I’m going to put it to the test.
In fact, I’m going to be slipping The Wife some booze as well. If Evangeline (nee C2) has the same issues as Luke does now, I think I might go for a drive to the liquor store and never come back. (By the way, if this blog entry seems more disjointed than usual, blame the lack of sleep. Not any inspiration from my 6th grade writings.)
The thing I love about people telling stories about children, though, is that they’re almost always positive. If I say that Luke sleeps 3 hours a night, someone will tell me that Albert Einstein did too. If I say that Luke rubs feces on the wall (not true – yet), then someone will say that Archimedes did the same thing. For once, I’d like to hear the opposite. So when Luke goes to the circus and likes the clowns, I want someone to bring up John Wayne Gacy’s infatuation with them. Or when Luke gives the dog a hug, mention that Hitler loved dogs too.
And so from now on, I think that will be my role in life. No more coddling, no more optimism. I’m going to try to present the worst-case scenario I can think of. Because honestly, I think that’s a lot more fun.
