Tuesday, October 31, 2006
(RC) Trains, Planes, and Automobiles
(Editor's note: This entry was written over a period of a week and was not re-read for internal consistency. I don't know why I expect other people to read what I write when I can't do it myself. Anyway, enjoy. Or don't enjoy. I don't care, as long as you're reading it.)
Last Sunday, The Wife and I decided to do something special for Luke. One of the things we realized about Luke is that if he doesn’t get out of the house at some point during the day, he’s a complete pain in the butt. We usually take him to the park or to a playdate. (By “we,” I mean “The Wife. At least 90% of the time, anyway.) So when The Wife found out that there was a Model Train Expo in Rosemont on Sunday, we thought it would be perfect for Luke. Well, it was certainly perfect for him. But not so much for us.
First of all, it turns out that the Expo wasn’t just for Model Trains. It was for all sorts of modeling enthusiasts. This included trains, planes, RC cars, slot racers, boats, etc. Have you ever met anybody who races RC cars for a living? No? Well, you don’t want to. They’re scary people. Not in an ax-wielding sociopath type of scary. More in a quiet cannibalistic sociopath type of way. In other words, less Jason from Friday the 13th and more Jeffrey Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy.
There were a few different kinds of people at the Expo.
- Overweight middle-aged men who still live with their mothers
- Overweight young adults who still live with their mothers
- Overweight young adults who still live with their mothers, but who also have long hair and tattoos because they think this will help them pass as “cool” outside of the Expo (which doesn’t work)
- Cub scout leaders and Cub scouts
- Married people with their young kids (like The Wife and I)
- One fit and attractive couple who clearly got the dates mixed up and thought they were at one of those Wedding Expos
Parts of the Expo were kind of cool. It was interesting to see how elaborate some of these model trains were. It also made me wonder where the hell these people set up these trains when they weren’t at the Expo. There were a couple displays that wouldn’t fit anywhere in our house. Of course, the sheer magnitude of the display (and the incredible detail) just made me wonder what kind of dork spends all his time working on something like this.
Another cool part of the Expo was the race tracks. First, there was a rock-climbing area. Have you ever seen a Jeep or pick-up climb rocks? It’s pretty awesome to see a Jeep climb a six-foot boulder or go down a 60-degree cliff. Now imagine watching a 12-inch RC car do the same thing! Yeah, it’s nowhere near as exciting. But the dude’s who are piloting the RC cars sure think it is. The look of concentration on their faces is only outshined by the look of disappointment when their RC car falls off the “mountain.” Luke, by the way, was thoroughly enthralled by this. He’d yell “Truck!” several times. So, naturally, I would point to them and say something like “aren’t those cool trucks, Luke?” Then some eight-year-old snothead kid said, “Those are cars, not trucks” in the most dickhead way possible. So I punched him in the face and quickly moved on. I love that it’s so easy to figure out which kids are going to be assholes when they grow up.
Besides the rock-climbing area, there was a dirt track for “off-road” RC cars. There was another track for, um, “on-road” RC cars. There was even a slot car race track. Do you remember slot cars? They’re the little race tracks you got when you were 8 and put in your bedroom. Then you played with it for half an hour before you realized that all you were doing is making a car go around in a circle. I got the one where the cars actually CLIMBED the WALL!!!! Gravity-defying cars! What will they think of next? And of course, they had lap timers for the people racing the cars. All I could think of was The Simpsons episode where Otto and Comic Book Store Guy are in the slot car race of their lives. And now that I think about it, those two are a pretty apt representation of who was at the Expo.
Another great thing about the Expo was all the add-on booths. It’s hard to imagine that a whole industry has spawned around RC cars. There were engine makers, battery makers, shock makers. There were also people hawking their plane parts and train parts. It was insane. I would have never in my life guessed that there was enough of demand for RC batteries that someone could actually build a whole business around it. I guess it just goes to show that you should never underestimate the dorkiness of the US consumer.
And of course, there was a gun booth. The Wife and I were trying to figure out why there was a gun booth at the Model Train Expo. Clearly, the guns must be models themselves. There must be all kinds of rules against selling guns at Expos such as these. Then I remembered that the Republicans are in control in Washington. Then I thought more about where we were and it all made sense. Can you think of a better place to sell guns than at a Model Train Expo? If you stand around these dorks long enough, you’re either going to want to shoot them or shoot yourself to end the misery.
Luke’s favorite part of the whole Expo was the Thomas the Tank Engine area. They had all these tracks that you could set up. Then they had a bunch of self-propelled Thomas trains. And so the place was packed with 1-2 year olds watching the trains go around the tracks. The Wife was also heavily involved in the trains, trying to set up very elaborate loops and turns and switches. It was rather amusing watching her play Race the Clock as a train approached her seemingly never-ending track work. It was like the Bugs Bunny (I think it was Bugs Bunny) cartoon where Bugs (or is it Yosemite Sam) has to lay tracks because the train’s right behind him.
While we were in the Thomas area, The Wife figured she’d try to scare the hell out of Luke. Okay, that wasn’t her intention, but that was the end result. We were sitting there and Luke was getting disinterested in the Thomas trains. So I asked him if he wanted to see the boats. Or if he wanted to eat. Or if he wanted to see the cars. Or maybe the trucks. So The Wife grabs Luke, gets in his face and (jokingly, she thought), yelled, “Do you want to see the trains! Huh, do ya do ya?” At which point Luke’s eyes bugged out and he started screaming. Good joke. Yeah, The Wife and I are really going to have a hard time adjusting to kids.
Anyway, after about 2 hours at the Expo, we decided to head home. We were just completely spent. And of course, it’s like a 2-mile winding path back to our car. The elevator that we have to take to get to our car is slow and seemingly always full. We were going to stop for lunch at Jean & Jude’s or White Castle, but we decided to go home instead because then we can eat sooner. So I get on the I-294 and have two options of how to get home. I can stay on I-294 or I can get on I-90. They’re both about the same time, but I-90 drops us off a little closer to home. I reason that it’ll be the faster route, so I go for I-90. And right after I hit the point of no-return, I realize that the on-ramp for I-90 is completely backed up. Oh yeah. They’re working on open road tolling and this particular toll booth is completely f’d up. I had a similar problem just one week earlier. But I forgot, and now I’m stuck in a car with two cranky and tired adults and one very cranky and very tired child. Make that one hungry child too. And of course, we had no very little food for him. We’re smart like that.
And that was our trip to the Train Expo. I don’t think we’ll be making it again any time soon. Luke liked some parts. The Wife and I found some areas interesting. But mostly, it was a bunch of dorks and losers who really need to move out of their mom’s houses. (Although, it was quite refreshing to look down on someone for a change. Maybe we’ll go back next year after all.)
Last Sunday, The Wife and I decided to do something special for Luke. One of the things we realized about Luke is that if he doesn’t get out of the house at some point during the day, he’s a complete pain in the butt. We usually take him to the park or to a playdate. (By “we,” I mean “The Wife. At least 90% of the time, anyway.) So when The Wife found out that there was a Model Train Expo in Rosemont on Sunday, we thought it would be perfect for Luke. Well, it was certainly perfect for him. But not so much for us.
First of all, it turns out that the Expo wasn’t just for Model Trains. It was for all sorts of modeling enthusiasts. This included trains, planes, RC cars, slot racers, boats, etc. Have you ever met anybody who races RC cars for a living? No? Well, you don’t want to. They’re scary people. Not in an ax-wielding sociopath type of scary. More in a quiet cannibalistic sociopath type of way. In other words, less Jason from Friday the 13th and more Jeffrey Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy.
There were a few different kinds of people at the Expo.
- Overweight middle-aged men who still live with their mothers
- Overweight young adults who still live with their mothers
- Overweight young adults who still live with their mothers, but who also have long hair and tattoos because they think this will help them pass as “cool” outside of the Expo (which doesn’t work)
- Cub scout leaders and Cub scouts
- Married people with their young kids (like The Wife and I)
- One fit and attractive couple who clearly got the dates mixed up and thought they were at one of those Wedding Expos
Parts of the Expo were kind of cool. It was interesting to see how elaborate some of these model trains were. It also made me wonder where the hell these people set up these trains when they weren’t at the Expo. There were a couple displays that wouldn’t fit anywhere in our house. Of course, the sheer magnitude of the display (and the incredible detail) just made me wonder what kind of dork spends all his time working on something like this.
Another cool part of the Expo was the race tracks. First, there was a rock-climbing area. Have you ever seen a Jeep or pick-up climb rocks? It’s pretty awesome to see a Jeep climb a six-foot boulder or go down a 60-degree cliff. Now imagine watching a 12-inch RC car do the same thing! Yeah, it’s nowhere near as exciting. But the dude’s who are piloting the RC cars sure think it is. The look of concentration on their faces is only outshined by the look of disappointment when their RC car falls off the “mountain.” Luke, by the way, was thoroughly enthralled by this. He’d yell “Truck!” several times. So, naturally, I would point to them and say something like “aren’t those cool trucks, Luke?” Then some eight-year-old snothead kid said, “Those are cars, not trucks” in the most dickhead way possible. So I punched him in the face and quickly moved on. I love that it’s so easy to figure out which kids are going to be assholes when they grow up.
Besides the rock-climbing area, there was a dirt track for “off-road” RC cars. There was another track for, um, “on-road” RC cars. There was even a slot car race track. Do you remember slot cars? They’re the little race tracks you got when you were 8 and put in your bedroom. Then you played with it for half an hour before you realized that all you were doing is making a car go around in a circle. I got the one where the cars actually CLIMBED the WALL!!!! Gravity-defying cars! What will they think of next? And of course, they had lap timers for the people racing the cars. All I could think of was The Simpsons episode where Otto and Comic Book Store Guy are in the slot car race of their lives. And now that I think about it, those two are a pretty apt representation of who was at the Expo.
Another great thing about the Expo was all the add-on booths. It’s hard to imagine that a whole industry has spawned around RC cars. There were engine makers, battery makers, shock makers. There were also people hawking their plane parts and train parts. It was insane. I would have never in my life guessed that there was enough of demand for RC batteries that someone could actually build a whole business around it. I guess it just goes to show that you should never underestimate the dorkiness of the US consumer.
And of course, there was a gun booth. The Wife and I were trying to figure out why there was a gun booth at the Model Train Expo. Clearly, the guns must be models themselves. There must be all kinds of rules against selling guns at Expos such as these. Then I remembered that the Republicans are in control in Washington. Then I thought more about where we were and it all made sense. Can you think of a better place to sell guns than at a Model Train Expo? If you stand around these dorks long enough, you’re either going to want to shoot them or shoot yourself to end the misery.
Luke’s favorite part of the whole Expo was the Thomas the Tank Engine area. They had all these tracks that you could set up. Then they had a bunch of self-propelled Thomas trains. And so the place was packed with 1-2 year olds watching the trains go around the tracks. The Wife was also heavily involved in the trains, trying to set up very elaborate loops and turns and switches. It was rather amusing watching her play Race the Clock as a train approached her seemingly never-ending track work. It was like the Bugs Bunny (I think it was Bugs Bunny) cartoon where Bugs (or is it Yosemite Sam) has to lay tracks because the train’s right behind him.
While we were in the Thomas area, The Wife figured she’d try to scare the hell out of Luke. Okay, that wasn’t her intention, but that was the end result. We were sitting there and Luke was getting disinterested in the Thomas trains. So I asked him if he wanted to see the boats. Or if he wanted to eat. Or if he wanted to see the cars. Or maybe the trucks. So The Wife grabs Luke, gets in his face and (jokingly, she thought), yelled, “Do you want to see the trains! Huh, do ya do ya?” At which point Luke’s eyes bugged out and he started screaming. Good joke. Yeah, The Wife and I are really going to have a hard time adjusting to kids.
Anyway, after about 2 hours at the Expo, we decided to head home. We were just completely spent. And of course, it’s like a 2-mile winding path back to our car. The elevator that we have to take to get to our car is slow and seemingly always full. We were going to stop for lunch at Jean & Jude’s or White Castle, but we decided to go home instead because then we can eat sooner. So I get on the I-294 and have two options of how to get home. I can stay on I-294 or I can get on I-90. They’re both about the same time, but I-90 drops us off a little closer to home. I reason that it’ll be the faster route, so I go for I-90. And right after I hit the point of no-return, I realize that the on-ramp for I-90 is completely backed up. Oh yeah. They’re working on open road tolling and this particular toll booth is completely f’d up. I had a similar problem just one week earlier. But I forgot, and now I’m stuck in a car with two cranky and tired adults and one very cranky and very tired child. Make that one hungry child too. And of course, we had no very little food for him. We’re smart like that.
And that was our trip to the Train Expo. I don’t think we’ll be making it again any time soon. Luke liked some parts. The Wife and I found some areas interesting. But mostly, it was a bunch of dorks and losers who really need to move out of their mom’s houses. (Although, it was quite refreshing to look down on someone for a change. Maybe we’ll go back next year after all.)
