Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Bachelorhood Revisited
This weekend, The Wife did me a huge favor. She took Luke and went out of town. In other words, I had the house TO MYSELF! For the entire weekend! And man, did I live it up!
I was supposed to go out for drinks after work on Friday with some of my friends from grad school. But one by one, they started dropping off. By Friday afternoon, the whole thing had been shit-canned. Not a good way to start a weekend of rediscovering my inner bachelor.
To be honest, though, I wasn’t terribly upset about everyone canceling. It gave me something I haven’t been able to do in awhile. Sit at home and watch TV. Undisturbed. I’ve got plenty of TV shows stored up on my DVR, so I opened a beer and started watching. It was wonderful. Luke didn’t materialize out of thin air to shut the doors of our entertainment center. The Wife didn’t magically appear to make me clean out the litter boxes or move furniture. It was quiet, it was peaceful and it was stupendous.
(Of course, the shows that I watched weren’t quite as great. House was fantastic as usual. I think I find that show way too funny. It’s something about House being so misanthropic that appeals to me. I wish I could be him. Not because of what he does, but because he gets away with it. Of course, I wouldn’t mind making a jillion dollars working as a doctor either. On the other hand, he does have to look at blood pretty often. Never mind, I like working as an actuary. I also watched CSI and I’ve just had it with that show. I honestly have no idea why I watch it. I find almost all of the characters annoying. And the storylines lately have become a bit inane. I have a feeling I’m going to be deleting that off my DVR Priority List soon. Law and Order continues to amaze me that it’s still on the air. It’s a decent show, but nothing great. Though the new ADA is hubba hubba HOT. She’s worth the price of admission by herself.)
On Saturday, a neighbor had a poker tournament starting at 5:00. Perfect for a bachelor. I spent the morning working in the garage. We recently acquired an upright freezer from my Papa’s house. (Have I mentioned on here that he passed away a few weeks ago? I seem to have forgotten to tell people, like my friend Scott who helped me pick up said freezer. Oops.) The problem with the freezer? There was no electrical outlet in our garage to handle it. So, I donned my trusty toolbelt and set about righting a wrong.
Actually, I didn’t get any work done on that outlet. But I did install another outlet in the ceiling of our garage. For some reason, the prior homeowners preferred to run an extension cord from the garage door opener to the one outlet by the door (nowhere near where the freezer was going). This was both ugly and annoying, like any woman I woke up with after a night of drinking those first few months after I moved back to Chicago. So I installed an outlet in the ceiling (via the attic) to plug the garage door opener into. I also set it up so that I could run electrical to a new outlet for the freezer. For some reason, I love doing this stuff. I’m sure I’ll end up electrocuting myself, but it’s cool for me to change the functionality of my home.
I also fixed our garage door opener, which was acting up for some reason. I was all prepared to blast Genie (the maker of our 1.5-year-old opener), but after I called them, they sent out a new control panel for free. All I had to do was install it and our garage door would go up and down again. No problemo.
With those two projects done by 11:30, I decided to really live up my bachelorhood. I went to the local theater and saw Superman Returns. It was the first showing of the day (at 12:30) and it was basically me, a senior citizen, and 2 dads with their kids. I really liked the movie. It wasn’t as good as Spider-man or even X-Men. I can certainly understand why it didn’t do well at the box office. The problem was that after I saw it, at no time did I ever think, “I’ve got to see that again.” All I could think of was how cool it is that Superman comes back from space to be a Super Homewrecker. (Spoiler Alert!) You see, Lois Lane is married and has a kid. And all Superman can do is stalk her and hit on her and try to break up her marriage. I thought he was supposed to be morally superior to the rest of us. Nice to know he’s not. But how would you like to be Lois’s husband? How on earth are you going to compete with Superman?
(Norm MacDonald, by the way, has a funny bit about Superman. Basically, he gets Clark Kent to admit to him that he’s Superman. Then, whenever Clark has to suddenly “disappear” to save the world as Superman, Norm also disappears. Then he comes back later saying something like, “I was just in the bathroom, not saving the world as Super – never mind.” All this so Norm can sleep with Lois Lane.)
By the way, I had a frozen pizza for dinner on Friday and lunch on Saturday. I followed that up with movie theater popcorn. I’ve discovered something odd since I started working in May. I’ve more or less forgotten how to cook for myself. I don’t think I’ve forgotten, per se, it’s that I’ve gotten very lazy. I think I’m also getting spoiled by having a stay-at-home wife. So now I almost expect food to magically appear in front of me. And when it doesn’t, it’s hard to think beyond “two slices of bread, cheese, and roast beef.” Hell, I was mildly impressed with myself last night when I went through the “effort” of grilling up a burger on the George Foreman. Seriously. I used to grill out every night. I’ve got a killer recipe for pork roasts and I love steaks. But lately, frozen pizzas just sound so much better.
Anyway, after putzing around the house for another couple of hours, I headed over to my neighbor’s poker game. It was a lot of fun because I don’t get to play cards very much any more. He set it up so that there was a new 6-8 person mini-tournament starting every hour or so. So if you got knocked out early, you didn’t have to wait around long to play again.
As it turned out, I didn’t have to worry about getting knocked out early. I won the first tournament! This isn’t the first time I’ve won a tournament, of course. In fact, if I’m going to win a tournament, it’s going to be the first time that I play with a bunch of people. After playing with me once, most people can figure out my habits. For example, I’m pretty aggressive. I’m also pretty stupid, especially when I get drinking. That was exhibited in my second tournament, which I lost. After 8 or 9 beers.
As I mentioned, this was the first time I’ve played cards with this group. Unfortunately, I was myself. That is, I was sarcastic and obnoxious. I like to give people a hard time whenever I can. (Yes, it’s just one of my qualities that The Wife finds SO endearing.) I know I was overly sarcastic to some people, which was no doubt misinterpreted. Not that I mind. In fact, I kind of look forward to the moment when people realize just how sarcastic I am. It’s almost like a light goes off. “Oh, when you said I played that hand well, you were being sarcastic. And when you said I was smart? And good-looking? And a pleasure to be around? And not even remotely smelling of vomit? Fuck you!”
Anyway, I spent Sunday doing more putzing. I cleaned up the garage a little. I watched some more TV. Mostly, I prepared for the verbal assault I would get from The Wife for doing virtually nothing all weekend. To my surprise, it never came. I think The Wife realizes that this was as much a vacation for her as it was for me. Actually, I think her vacation comes this weekend when she goes up to the family cottage with some of her mommies. And no kids. Which of course means that my vacation has officially ended.
I was supposed to go out for drinks after work on Friday with some of my friends from grad school. But one by one, they started dropping off. By Friday afternoon, the whole thing had been shit-canned. Not a good way to start a weekend of rediscovering my inner bachelor.
To be honest, though, I wasn’t terribly upset about everyone canceling. It gave me something I haven’t been able to do in awhile. Sit at home and watch TV. Undisturbed. I’ve got plenty of TV shows stored up on my DVR, so I opened a beer and started watching. It was wonderful. Luke didn’t materialize out of thin air to shut the doors of our entertainment center. The Wife didn’t magically appear to make me clean out the litter boxes or move furniture. It was quiet, it was peaceful and it was stupendous.
(Of course, the shows that I watched weren’t quite as great. House was fantastic as usual. I think I find that show way too funny. It’s something about House being so misanthropic that appeals to me. I wish I could be him. Not because of what he does, but because he gets away with it. Of course, I wouldn’t mind making a jillion dollars working as a doctor either. On the other hand, he does have to look at blood pretty often. Never mind, I like working as an actuary. I also watched CSI and I’ve just had it with that show. I honestly have no idea why I watch it. I find almost all of the characters annoying. And the storylines lately have become a bit inane. I have a feeling I’m going to be deleting that off my DVR Priority List soon. Law and Order continues to amaze me that it’s still on the air. It’s a decent show, but nothing great. Though the new ADA is hubba hubba HOT. She’s worth the price of admission by herself.)
On Saturday, a neighbor had a poker tournament starting at 5:00. Perfect for a bachelor. I spent the morning working in the garage. We recently acquired an upright freezer from my Papa’s house. (Have I mentioned on here that he passed away a few weeks ago? I seem to have forgotten to tell people, like my friend Scott who helped me pick up said freezer. Oops.) The problem with the freezer? There was no electrical outlet in our garage to handle it. So, I donned my trusty toolbelt and set about righting a wrong.
Actually, I didn’t get any work done on that outlet. But I did install another outlet in the ceiling of our garage. For some reason, the prior homeowners preferred to run an extension cord from the garage door opener to the one outlet by the door (nowhere near where the freezer was going). This was both ugly and annoying, like any woman I woke up with after a night of drinking those first few months after I moved back to Chicago. So I installed an outlet in the ceiling (via the attic) to plug the garage door opener into. I also set it up so that I could run electrical to a new outlet for the freezer. For some reason, I love doing this stuff. I’m sure I’ll end up electrocuting myself, but it’s cool for me to change the functionality of my home.
I also fixed our garage door opener, which was acting up for some reason. I was all prepared to blast Genie (the maker of our 1.5-year-old opener), but after I called them, they sent out a new control panel for free. All I had to do was install it and our garage door would go up and down again. No problemo.
With those two projects done by 11:30, I decided to really live up my bachelorhood. I went to the local theater and saw Superman Returns. It was the first showing of the day (at 12:30) and it was basically me, a senior citizen, and 2 dads with their kids. I really liked the movie. It wasn’t as good as Spider-man or even X-Men. I can certainly understand why it didn’t do well at the box office. The problem was that after I saw it, at no time did I ever think, “I’ve got to see that again.” All I could think of was how cool it is that Superman comes back from space to be a Super Homewrecker. (Spoiler Alert!) You see, Lois Lane is married and has a kid. And all Superman can do is stalk her and hit on her and try to break up her marriage. I thought he was supposed to be morally superior to the rest of us. Nice to know he’s not. But how would you like to be Lois’s husband? How on earth are you going to compete with Superman?
(Norm MacDonald, by the way, has a funny bit about Superman. Basically, he gets Clark Kent to admit to him that he’s Superman. Then, whenever Clark has to suddenly “disappear” to save the world as Superman, Norm also disappears. Then he comes back later saying something like, “I was just in the bathroom, not saving the world as Super – never mind.” All this so Norm can sleep with Lois Lane.)
By the way, I had a frozen pizza for dinner on Friday and lunch on Saturday. I followed that up with movie theater popcorn. I’ve discovered something odd since I started working in May. I’ve more or less forgotten how to cook for myself. I don’t think I’ve forgotten, per se, it’s that I’ve gotten very lazy. I think I’m also getting spoiled by having a stay-at-home wife. So now I almost expect food to magically appear in front of me. And when it doesn’t, it’s hard to think beyond “two slices of bread, cheese, and roast beef.” Hell, I was mildly impressed with myself last night when I went through the “effort” of grilling up a burger on the George Foreman. Seriously. I used to grill out every night. I’ve got a killer recipe for pork roasts and I love steaks. But lately, frozen pizzas just sound so much better.
Anyway, after putzing around the house for another couple of hours, I headed over to my neighbor’s poker game. It was a lot of fun because I don’t get to play cards very much any more. He set it up so that there was a new 6-8 person mini-tournament starting every hour or so. So if you got knocked out early, you didn’t have to wait around long to play again.
As it turned out, I didn’t have to worry about getting knocked out early. I won the first tournament! This isn’t the first time I’ve won a tournament, of course. In fact, if I’m going to win a tournament, it’s going to be the first time that I play with a bunch of people. After playing with me once, most people can figure out my habits. For example, I’m pretty aggressive. I’m also pretty stupid, especially when I get drinking. That was exhibited in my second tournament, which I lost. After 8 or 9 beers.
As I mentioned, this was the first time I’ve played cards with this group. Unfortunately, I was myself. That is, I was sarcastic and obnoxious. I like to give people a hard time whenever I can. (Yes, it’s just one of my qualities that The Wife finds SO endearing.) I know I was overly sarcastic to some people, which was no doubt misinterpreted. Not that I mind. In fact, I kind of look forward to the moment when people realize just how sarcastic I am. It’s almost like a light goes off. “Oh, when you said I played that hand well, you were being sarcastic. And when you said I was smart? And good-looking? And a pleasure to be around? And not even remotely smelling of vomit? Fuck you!”
Anyway, I spent Sunday doing more putzing. I cleaned up the garage a little. I watched some more TV. Mostly, I prepared for the verbal assault I would get from The Wife for doing virtually nothing all weekend. To my surprise, it never came. I think The Wife realizes that this was as much a vacation for her as it was for me. Actually, I think her vacation comes this weekend when she goes up to the family cottage with some of her mommies. And no kids. Which of course means that my vacation has officially ended.
