Friday, September 15, 2006
Inching Closer to Being an Old Man
There’s a lot that I don’t understand in this world. But number one on the list (today) is eyebrows. Specifically, it’s MY eyebrows.
I have the same confusion everyone else does about the need for eyebrows in general. They don’t seem to serve much of a purpose. At least nose hairs stop bugs from flying up your nose. And watching them during a sneeze is like watching dewy grass sway in the breeze. But eyebrows really don’t add anything. In fact, the only time you notice eyebrows is when they’re (a) missing or (b) busy and caterpillar-esque.
But even if I’m going to accept the fact that I have eyebrows (and I don’t see how I have any choice), I don’t understand some things about MY eyebrows. For most of my life, I’ve completely ignored my eyebrows. To say that I never gave them a second thought would be incorrect because I never gave them the first thought. They just existed. (Except for a short period of time when I was a child when I thought I’d see if my mom’s razor actually worked. And I tested it on my left eyebrow. God, I wish I had a picture of that. I looked like a young, retarded Vanilla Ice. I guess calling Vanilla Ice retarded is a bit redundant, isn’t it?)
I think my eyebrows officially began to exist when I met The Wife. I’ll never forget her looking longingly into my eyes (or so I thought) and telling me, “Have you ever thought about tweezing your eyebrows?” Bitch. No, I’d never thought about it. But I decided to look into it. Basically, I decided I’m too lazy and too sloppy to even consider tweezing my eyebrows. And I stress the “s” on eyebrows. They are separate and distinct, as opposed to the infamous unibrow. There are some small hairs that someone like The Wife (who often looks longingly into my eyes, or at least my eyebrows) would notice. But the lay person wouldn’t notice them, so I’m not removing them.
What’s driving me nuts lately, though, is that my eyebrows seem to be growing. I don’t mean that they’re getting wider or moving closer. No, the individual hairs are now growing longer. This must be another one of the wonderful side effects of aging. But what’s frustrating is that they’re not ALL growing. Just a few of them are. And they’re REALLY growing.
The average eyebrow hair is ¼-inch long. (At least, that’s the assumption I’m going with. If you have an irrefutable source that you’d like me to use instead, please let me know. Then go get a life.) In recent eyebrow explorations, I’ve discovered some hairs that have grown to an inch long! Some are even longer! This just boggles my mind. (By the way, I have no idea what got me started rubbing my eyebrows and how I discovered that there are some long ones. I’ll bet The Wife was involved somehow.) Of the hundreds of hairs in each eyebrow, there are about 5-10 mutant renegade hairs that just insist on growing to abnormal lengths. It’s like the worst X-Men mutation ever.
It makes me wonder what the future will hold though. Will these Renegade Hairs continue to be renegades? Or will the non-renegades convince them that they’re out of line? Or worse yet, is this the beginning of a revolution? Will all of my eyebrow hairs start growing abnormally long? Is this how the guys with really bushy eyebrows started? They noticed one or two randomly long hairs and didn’t do anything about it? Then there were 10-20. Then before they knew it, their entire eyebrows are like inch-thick caterpillars sitting on their face. (More importantly, why haven’t these guys ever trimmed their eyebrows? Do they think it adds character to their face? Makes them recognizable? Makes them sexy? I just don’t get it.)
Anyway, I’m sure I’m on the long, slow ride to old-man-dom. I already groan when I stand up or sit down. My eyebrows are growing out of control. Don’t even get me started on my nose hair. I guess ear hair is the next milepost. I’m really hoping that ear hair can be killed by listening to a lot of shitty music via headphones.
I have the same confusion everyone else does about the need for eyebrows in general. They don’t seem to serve much of a purpose. At least nose hairs stop bugs from flying up your nose. And watching them during a sneeze is like watching dewy grass sway in the breeze. But eyebrows really don’t add anything. In fact, the only time you notice eyebrows is when they’re (a) missing or (b) busy and caterpillar-esque.
But even if I’m going to accept the fact that I have eyebrows (and I don’t see how I have any choice), I don’t understand some things about MY eyebrows. For most of my life, I’ve completely ignored my eyebrows. To say that I never gave them a second thought would be incorrect because I never gave them the first thought. They just existed. (Except for a short period of time when I was a child when I thought I’d see if my mom’s razor actually worked. And I tested it on my left eyebrow. God, I wish I had a picture of that. I looked like a young, retarded Vanilla Ice. I guess calling Vanilla Ice retarded is a bit redundant, isn’t it?)
I think my eyebrows officially began to exist when I met The Wife. I’ll never forget her looking longingly into my eyes (or so I thought) and telling me, “Have you ever thought about tweezing your eyebrows?” Bitch. No, I’d never thought about it. But I decided to look into it. Basically, I decided I’m too lazy and too sloppy to even consider tweezing my eyebrows. And I stress the “s” on eyebrows. They are separate and distinct, as opposed to the infamous unibrow. There are some small hairs that someone like The Wife (who often looks longingly into my eyes, or at least my eyebrows) would notice. But the lay person wouldn’t notice them, so I’m not removing them.
What’s driving me nuts lately, though, is that my eyebrows seem to be growing. I don’t mean that they’re getting wider or moving closer. No, the individual hairs are now growing longer. This must be another one of the wonderful side effects of aging. But what’s frustrating is that they’re not ALL growing. Just a few of them are. And they’re REALLY growing.
The average eyebrow hair is ¼-inch long. (At least, that’s the assumption I’m going with. If you have an irrefutable source that you’d like me to use instead, please let me know. Then go get a life.) In recent eyebrow explorations, I’ve discovered some hairs that have grown to an inch long! Some are even longer! This just boggles my mind. (By the way, I have no idea what got me started rubbing my eyebrows and how I discovered that there are some long ones. I’ll bet The Wife was involved somehow.) Of the hundreds of hairs in each eyebrow, there are about 5-10 mutant renegade hairs that just insist on growing to abnormal lengths. It’s like the worst X-Men mutation ever.
It makes me wonder what the future will hold though. Will these Renegade Hairs continue to be renegades? Or will the non-renegades convince them that they’re out of line? Or worse yet, is this the beginning of a revolution? Will all of my eyebrow hairs start growing abnormally long? Is this how the guys with really bushy eyebrows started? They noticed one or two randomly long hairs and didn’t do anything about it? Then there were 10-20. Then before they knew it, their entire eyebrows are like inch-thick caterpillars sitting on their face. (More importantly, why haven’t these guys ever trimmed their eyebrows? Do they think it adds character to their face? Makes them recognizable? Makes them sexy? I just don’t get it.)
Anyway, I’m sure I’m on the long, slow ride to old-man-dom. I already groan when I stand up or sit down. My eyebrows are growing out of control. Don’t even get me started on my nose hair. I guess ear hair is the next milepost. I’m really hoping that ear hair can be killed by listening to a lot of shitty music via headphones.
