Thursday, March 30, 2006
The Power of Clarence Beeks
Do you have the power of Clarence Beeks? Do you have a complete hatrid of mankind and a huge set of cajones? If so, I'd really like to hang out with you, because you're my kind of person.
A lot of you (i.e. 2 out of my 3 readers) are asking yourself, "Who the hell is Clarence Beaks?" And if you're asking yourself that, you're no doubt wondering why he's so awesome. Let me explain. One of the best movies of all time is Trading Places. This delightful romp stars Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd. I won't get into the plot right now, because that doesn't concern me. What does concern me is Clarence Beeks, portrayed by Paul Gleason. (He also played the principal in Breakfast Club.) Clarence Beeks is a misanthrope. But he's such a wonderful misanthrope that it's actually endearing. Allow me to give two quick examples.
At one point, Clarence Beeks is talking on a pay phone and someone comes up to him, anxious to use the phone. Beeks says on the phone, "Hold on," and then turns to the person and says, "Fuck off." Then he just resumes his conversation.
But my favorite Beeks moment is when he's walking down a sidewalk. You know when you're walking and you encounter someone and you don't know how to get around them? You go left, they go left. You go right, they go right. You stop moving, they stop moving. Then you make some stupid comment about how you like dancing with them. Finally you get around them and your life can continue. Well, Beeks took a different approach. He went left, he went right, then he grabbed the person and threw him to the ground.
I wish I had the ability to do this. I'm certainly a big enough misanthrope. I generally hate people and the things they do. And I get the Clarence Beeks impulses to do something about it, but I always chicken out.
Just the other day, I was about to get on the elevator at work. There were a few people getting in. Most of them know Elevator Etiquette. You step in and push a button. Then you go to a corner. Then the next person comes in and goes to the opposite corner. That's the dance. We all know it, we love it.
One guy apparently didn't get the Elevator Etiquette memo. He walks in, pushes a button, turns around and stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR! So now I have to get on. I just look at him incredulously. I say "excuse me" and try to slide by. Of course, I manage to hit him with my briefcase as I do so because there's not enough room. I wish I could have pulled a Beeks and either walked right into him or grabbed him and thrown him off the elevator. To me, the sad part of this story is that I'm not misanthropic enough to make me happy. I'll have to work on that.
A lot of you (i.e. 2 out of my 3 readers) are asking yourself, "Who the hell is Clarence Beaks?" And if you're asking yourself that, you're no doubt wondering why he's so awesome. Let me explain. One of the best movies of all time is Trading Places. This delightful romp stars Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd. I won't get into the plot right now, because that doesn't concern me. What does concern me is Clarence Beeks, portrayed by Paul Gleason. (He also played the principal in Breakfast Club.) Clarence Beeks is a misanthrope. But he's such a wonderful misanthrope that it's actually endearing. Allow me to give two quick examples.
At one point, Clarence Beeks is talking on a pay phone and someone comes up to him, anxious to use the phone. Beeks says on the phone, "Hold on," and then turns to the person and says, "Fuck off." Then he just resumes his conversation.
But my favorite Beeks moment is when he's walking down a sidewalk. You know when you're walking and you encounter someone and you don't know how to get around them? You go left, they go left. You go right, they go right. You stop moving, they stop moving. Then you make some stupid comment about how you like dancing with them. Finally you get around them and your life can continue. Well, Beeks took a different approach. He went left, he went right, then he grabbed the person and threw him to the ground.
I wish I had the ability to do this. I'm certainly a big enough misanthrope. I generally hate people and the things they do. And I get the Clarence Beeks impulses to do something about it, but I always chicken out.
Just the other day, I was about to get on the elevator at work. There were a few people getting in. Most of them know Elevator Etiquette. You step in and push a button. Then you go to a corner. Then the next person comes in and goes to the opposite corner. That's the dance. We all know it, we love it.
One guy apparently didn't get the Elevator Etiquette memo. He walks in, pushes a button, turns around and stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR! So now I have to get on. I just look at him incredulously. I say "excuse me" and try to slide by. Of course, I manage to hit him with my briefcase as I do so because there's not enough room. I wish I could have pulled a Beeks and either walked right into him or grabbed him and thrown him off the elevator. To me, the sad part of this story is that I'm not misanthropic enough to make me happy. I'll have to work on that.
