The Dow Is Up!

As my last semester of business school wraps up, preparations for graduation have begun. As President of a student organization, I've been working a lot with the MBA office. Well, much to my surprise, they asked me to speak at graduation.

I thought about it for awhile. I thought about getting stage fright. I thought about coming up with a good enough speech. I thought about all the chicks I'll get. (Which is zero, by the way. Chicks don't dig speakers. Unless they're a huge pair of Sony speakers and they're in the back of your conversion van.) I figured there would be about 200 MBA students graduating. I know a lot of them, so it'd be like giving a speech in a class. No big deal.

Well, on Monday I went to the MBA office to tell them I was going to do it. That's when I found out that I wouldn't be giving a speech for the MBA students. I'd be giving the speech for the entire college of business. That's about 800 students and about 4000 people (friends and family) in total. Eek.

I'm still going to give the speech though. And I'm pretty excited about it. I have to figure out a good way to be funny and deliver a message. The message? Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. Or something like that anyway.

The hard part right now is that I need to come up with a biography by Friday. I was originally told that this would be a 1-page bio that goes in the graduation ceremony handout. I just about crapped my pants. I haven't done enough in my life to fill 1 whole page. I'd have to water it down with stories about my brothers beating me up. Maybe I can add that I took 4th place in wrestling regionals my senior year. Or that I had the Driver's Ed teachers trying to run me down because of a story I wrote in the school paper. Or that I hate cops. That should get me a lot of support from the security guards. Honestly, there's little in this world that makes you feel more pathetic than having to write a biography and not being able to get past 1 paragraph.