Thursday, January 05, 2006
Utopia in the Southwest Suburbs
On a recent trip to Joliet, I got the chance to see Utopia, right off Interstate 55. It made me shudder so violently that people passing our car must have thought I was having a seizure. In fact, I almost drove the Outback right off the road so that I could put down some money to buy property in the Eden that they created in the Southwest suburbs of Chicago.
I should probably say at this point that I grew up in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago. The house I was raised in was probably built in the 1950's. I remember farm land by our house that was eventually turned into an office building or a Stuckey's. Or both. In fact, I firmly believe that there should be a Stuckey's in every office building. But that's a discussion for another time.
For those who aren't hip to all matters Chicago, all the housing used to be in the city. Well, except for those Daniel Boone types who liked to live outside the city in their log cabins, trapping raccoons to sell to fur traders. But the 1950's couldn't last forever. Eventually, the trappers were forced out by city-dwellers who wanted cheap housing, good schools, less minorities, and a Stuckey's on every corner. Generally, the immigrants stayed in the south suburbs because that's where the bars were. Meanwhile, people who had teeth tended to stay in the northern suburbs. That's the way it was and we liked it.
A crazy thing has been happening lately. I know this isn't unusual to Chicago, but the suburbs are expanding quicker than Aretha Franklin's waistline. (Seriously, someone needs to have an intervention with Aretha. "Honey, we love you and respect you. But do you really need to buy your own Krispy Kreme?") The Southwest suburbs of Chicago are growing the fastest and it's apparent if you drive down I-55 towards Joliet, which is where I happened to espy Utopia.
But before I fully describe Utopia, as it exists in the Southwest suburbs, anyway, I'd like to point out some weird trends in this housing boom. The first trend is towards bigger houses. Some of them are just ridiculously huge, as can be witnessed by the McMansions (not my term, but I like it) in Arlington Heights and Hinsdale (to name just a couple locations).
Bigger houses aren't necessarily a problem. Families are bigger now than they were 20 or 30 years ago. Okay, there are less people in them now, but physically they're bigger. The average weight of a family 20 years ago was 400 pounds. Today, it's 10,000. That's right, five full tons in each family (on average). Anyway, I'm not complaining about bigger houses. The problem is that the lots they're being built on aren't getting bigger. So you have these HUGE houses on these tiny lots. They just look silly. They remind me of New York City in the early 1900's (because I went there once in my time machine), where people could hang out their windows and practically touch the neighbors. I think it's only a matter of time until there's a clothesline hanging between every house.
Okay, I've wasted enough time talking about housing trends. On to Utopia. I'm kicking myself for not stopping to take a picture of what I saw because words alone will not do it justice. It reminds me of the old saying about pictures: "Pictures are worth more than an idiot describing something in a blog."
Utopia as I saw it was simply a group of townhomes. Believe me, I was as shocked to discover this as you are to read it. (By the way, I applaud you for getting this far into the post.) Townhomes are nothing new. They're all over the place, especially off I-55. But these townhomes were special. First of all, there were several hundred of them. Second, they were all identical. (I know, it just keeps getting better.) Third, they were all on straight, narrow streets, thus heightening the similarities. Fourth, they were all just a stone's throw from a major interstate highway. Finally, they were all painted a wonderfully drab shade of grey. I'm letting out a sigh of content just thinking about it. To make matters even better, they were all right by the new Ikea in Bolingbrook. So now all those wonderfully identical townhomes can be furnished in wonderfully identical (and crappy) furniture! I can almost see the sign now welcoming the homeowners into this Utopian complex: "Welcome to Homogeneity. Please leave your soul at the main office."
I should probably say at this point that I grew up in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago. The house I was raised in was probably built in the 1950's. I remember farm land by our house that was eventually turned into an office building or a Stuckey's. Or both. In fact, I firmly believe that there should be a Stuckey's in every office building. But that's a discussion for another time.
For those who aren't hip to all matters Chicago, all the housing used to be in the city. Well, except for those Daniel Boone types who liked to live outside the city in their log cabins, trapping raccoons to sell to fur traders. But the 1950's couldn't last forever. Eventually, the trappers were forced out by city-dwellers who wanted cheap housing, good schools, less minorities, and a Stuckey's on every corner. Generally, the immigrants stayed in the south suburbs because that's where the bars were. Meanwhile, people who had teeth tended to stay in the northern suburbs. That's the way it was and we liked it.
A crazy thing has been happening lately. I know this isn't unusual to Chicago, but the suburbs are expanding quicker than Aretha Franklin's waistline. (Seriously, someone needs to have an intervention with Aretha. "Honey, we love you and respect you. But do you really need to buy your own Krispy Kreme?") The Southwest suburbs of Chicago are growing the fastest and it's apparent if you drive down I-55 towards Joliet, which is where I happened to espy Utopia.
But before I fully describe Utopia, as it exists in the Southwest suburbs, anyway, I'd like to point out some weird trends in this housing boom. The first trend is towards bigger houses. Some of them are just ridiculously huge, as can be witnessed by the McMansions (not my term, but I like it) in Arlington Heights and Hinsdale (to name just a couple locations).
Bigger houses aren't necessarily a problem. Families are bigger now than they were 20 or 30 years ago. Okay, there are less people in them now, but physically they're bigger. The average weight of a family 20 years ago was 400 pounds. Today, it's 10,000. That's right, five full tons in each family (on average). Anyway, I'm not complaining about bigger houses. The problem is that the lots they're being built on aren't getting bigger. So you have these HUGE houses on these tiny lots. They just look silly. They remind me of New York City in the early 1900's (because I went there once in my time machine), where people could hang out their windows and practically touch the neighbors. I think it's only a matter of time until there's a clothesline hanging between every house.
Okay, I've wasted enough time talking about housing trends. On to Utopia. I'm kicking myself for not stopping to take a picture of what I saw because words alone will not do it justice. It reminds me of the old saying about pictures: "Pictures are worth more than an idiot describing something in a blog."
Utopia as I saw it was simply a group of townhomes. Believe me, I was as shocked to discover this as you are to read it. (By the way, I applaud you for getting this far into the post.) Townhomes are nothing new. They're all over the place, especially off I-55. But these townhomes were special. First of all, there were several hundred of them. Second, they were all identical. (I know, it just keeps getting better.) Third, they were all on straight, narrow streets, thus heightening the similarities. Fourth, they were all just a stone's throw from a major interstate highway. Finally, they were all painted a wonderfully drab shade of grey. I'm letting out a sigh of content just thinking about it. To make matters even better, they were all right by the new Ikea in Bolingbrook. So now all those wonderfully identical townhomes can be furnished in wonderfully identical (and crappy) furniture! I can almost see the sign now welcoming the homeowners into this Utopian complex: "Welcome to Homogeneity. Please leave your soul at the main office."
