The Dow Is Up!

It had to happen. I knew it would seep out eventually. I tried to keep it a secret, but it was only a matter of time. Today, The Wife mentioned on her blog (http://1moremommy.blogspot.com/) that I watch Nanny 911. I'm so embarrassed that I'm writing this in full muslim regalia so that nobody can see me typing.

I try to avoid watching these shows because it's so formulaic. (Unlike, say, Law & Order. "Wait, there's a twist at the end? The person you wanted to make me think did it wasn't guilty after all? No WAY!") The basic premise of Nanny 911 is that there's a couple with way too many kids. Last night, it was 6 kids under the age of 9. And they were willing to have more. (The first condition of being on this show should be that you'll sterilize yourself. And if you haven't improved by the end of the show, your kids are sold to gypsies or the circus.)

There are two potential parenting problems. Most couples have one or the other. The lucky ones have both. The first problem? Dad is an idiot. He's off playing video games or doing wheelies on his ATV (I swear to god, someone did this) while he was supposed to be watching his kids. Basically, he leaves it up to his wife to do all the childrearing.

Problem number 2 is parents who yell all the time. I have a young child (10 months), a terrible dog and two annoying cats. I understand the need to yell at them. Sometimes I do it for stupid things, like they walked (or crawled) in front of the TV and the Bears gave up a touchdown. What the F? You don't MOVE when the Bears are playing DEFENSE!!!! (On the other hand, when they're on offense, you're better off walking out of the room to avoid vomiting. But I'll discuss the Bears at a later date.)

The shocker these parents encounter regarding yelling at their children is: it's generally not very effective. It seems counterintuitive, I know. Yelling at and beating of children should make them better and more responsible. Yet, it often doesn't. (That said, if my parents would have tried "reasoning" with me and my siblings, we would have "reasoned" ourselves into armed robbery and/or kidnapping.)

What's annoying about these shows is that I get so hooked so easily. And it's because the parents are idiots. I just want to reach through the screen and slap the stupid out of them. I'm sure I'm not alone, which is why these shows are so popular. Parents love watching this show because it makes them think that they're good parents because they don't have kids that smear their own feces on the walls.

The problem is that Fox is missing a great market: single people. They don't want to watch these moronic parents. They want to watch morons who have the same problems as them. My proposal is for Fox to make a show out of me hitting on women at bars. I'm a little rusty since I've been married a couple years now. But in all honesty, I didn't have that great of skills to begin with, so how much worse could they have gotten? After watching me try to pick up some fine ladies, people will suddenly realize that their own pick-up skills aren't so bad after all. And for those that doubt just how bad my skills are, I should point out that I had to resort to the internet to find a wife. God bless those Russian mail-order services!